NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

I always felt like I wasn't good enough with her.  --
Or that she thought I wasn't good enough.

She always had to be smarter. She always had to be wittier.
She continually took the credit for things I had done.. and I let her because the only person it hurt was me.

If I had a story, she had one that topped it.
If something good happened to me, it was because of something she had done.

If I ever tried to keep something as just mine, she'd guilt me until I gave her that too.

One day, I said "I'm sincerely sorry that I'm not good enough for you..."

And I walked away.

Not because I wasn't good enough... but because I knew that I was.

THE PATH I COULD HAVE AVOIDED

As I meander down this little path of healing I'm on right now, there is a voice inside my head that speaks. It tells me that I wouldn't have to be walking this path, if I had only listened.

This path isn't a surprise. I have people in my life, who love me, who saw it coming.... before I even knew the path was there, they saw it coming. And I was warned, cautioned, advised, whatever you want to call it -- out of love, out of concern for me.

But I set off on the path anyway, sure that I could handle it.

And so that voice, it says, "You could have avoided all of this if you had only taken the advice given to you in the first place."

The voice is probably right. I could have.

But I think that, in some ways, I needed to walk the path anyway. I needed to walk it out. I needed to learn the lessons for myself. I needed to change how I thought about myself, and I'm not sure that would have happened in the same way if I had never set out on it in the first place.

This time, heading out on this rocky part of the path was a conscious choice. I know why I'm on it because I chose it. And I'm not seeking out closure this time or the reasons.  I don't need them.

I know why I'm here. While it may not be what I would have chosen when I first started out, it's what I'm choosing now. And perhaps that's something I needed to come to on my own.

PLEASE TELL ME

(A snippet of a song I wrote this morning...)

The little white lies you told me, they hang between us now

Like a cobweb spun across an old doorframe.

They seep inside and taint us, and I can’t seem to find my smile

Just want to find somebody else to blame.

We tried so hard to fix this, together you and I

This broken thing that we had thought was lost

But I don’t know what to do now and I don’t know what I can say

I’m just not sure it’s still worth what it costs.

So please tell me you can say the words I need to hear

I don’t want to turn from you and walk away

But we’re standing at the crossroads and I wish that you could see 

How hard it hurts me every time I stay.

ONE MORE GIFT: WALKING AWAY

Family is returning home. The gifts are being found places to belong in our house.  The Christmas decorations are being put away in the garage. Another year is coming to a close.

And still I have one gift to open.

It sits in a small box in a drawer of my desk. It's wrapped in shiny red paper and tied up with a bright green bow. I know what's inside because I wrapped it myself.  The gift tag says, "To Jo, From Yourself."  Inside, lovingly placed in a white box, is a single piece of pale pink paper with two simple words.

"Walk Away."

That is my gift to myself. Permission to walk away.

To walk away from friendships that aren't friendships.
To walk away from guilt trips, both the ones placed on me by others and the ones I place on myself.
To walk away from needless drama and chaos that doesn't actually affect me.
To walk away from the unloving expectations and the heartless words.
To walk away from making myself into someone I'm not so that I will be accepted by people I don't actually like.

Even just a slice of this permission is an amazing thing filled with great peace and happiness. I've tasted it.

I know.

I'M GLAD I WALKED AWAY

I'm Glad I... walked away from unhealthy friendships

This is probably the most difficult thing I've done over the past few years. It was the hardest to do. It's still hard to talk and write about. It still makes my heart constrict inside my chest.  And yet, in retrospect, doing it remains something that I think was wise.

Sometimes friendships turn out to be not-healthy.  Maybe they didn't start out that way, and that's how they got to be friendships.  But, you get to a point where you look around and realize that the relationship you're in isn't very good for you. There can be lots of components that make it that way.  Maybe you've just begun to chafe against each other too much.  Maybe you've changed in ways they haven't, and vice versa, and you keep trying to make each other fit into the molds of who you were before. Maybe you're giving more than they are, and it's become a one-way relationship, or maybe it's you that's taking it all. There can be lots of things that contribute...

But, one day, you get to a place where you realize... "This relationship just isn't good for me. It's becoming unhealthy."

But walking away is... fraught with so much.  There's all the time you've already put into it. There's the fact that recognizing the unhealthiness of the relationship doesn't mean you don't CARE about the person anymore, and you don't want to hurt them. There's the "but what if they still need me?" worry (em, this might just be me and my own co-dependence.. more on that in a couple weeks). There's the weighty thought that you are choosing to walk away.  To be a quitter. And quitting on something that once (and maybe still does) mean so much to you.  It's knowing that you're walking away from something you love.  Even if you believe it's best, it's HARD.

If you're there, if you're in the spot right now where you're thinking "I think I should walk from this," I want to encourage you to do it. You are not a bad person for recognizing that where you are is not good. Sometimes it really is best.... for both of you. Sometimes holding onto something that was once great keeps you both from being in relationships that ARE great. Trying to be the person someone else wants you to be keeps you from being the person you're meant to be.

I can't tell you that walking away is easy. It isn't.  It hurts. And months later, it still hurts. Sometimes the guilt is still heavy. Sometimes the bittersweet memories twist inside and bring such sorrow. But even as they do, I know it was right.

Hard.  But right.