Thursday, June 27, 2013


I watched her sleep.

I know that sounds creepy and stalkerish. Maybe you're right. Maybe it is creepy and stalkerish.  Maybe I am.

But, I couldn't help it. I watched her sleep, clutching the rose I had given her over dinner before I'd walked her home.

Sometimes I wished that I wasn't what I am, or that she wasn't what she was. I wished I could tell her the truth and I wished that there were some middle ground where we could co-exist. Together.

But, there wasn't.  She was who she was and I was who I was, and there was no helping either one. Loving her was dangerous.  Dangerous for her, dangerous for me. But can you help the one you fall in love with? Can you just tell yourself "No" and have your heart follow your directions?

If you know how, I'd love to know the secret.  But, also... I wouldn't. For, as much as it hurts and as much as I know it isn't wise, loving her is an exquisite pain and one I would not wish to lose.

And so I simply watch her sleep.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


It was a day of Deliberate Emotional Catharsis.

The situation was complicated.  Someone I knew and had supported had gone slightly (read: a lot) crazy and I was angry.  Hurt, confused, and angry. He was an artist and I had purchased a couple things from his website's merchandise, so on the day I decided that enough was enough, I marched out to the greenbelt behind our house, with a trademarked coffee mug in hand.  I let myself out of the backyard through the gate, carefully took aim at a nearby tree, and hurled it as hard as I could.

And then ducked. That coffee mug bounced RIGHT off of the tree and nearly took out my head!!

Not to be deterred, I ran after the cup, picked it up, and threw it at another tree.  And ducked again.  What the heck was this cup made of?  Steel??  I followed its path rolling across the dirt, picked it up again, threw it, and darted out of its return path.  Eight trees later, I was laughing at myself.  How hard could it be to smash a coffee mug?

The mug didn't fare as well once I got out the sledge hammer.  It didn't really fix anything, but it made me feel better... at least for awhile.

Sometimes you just have to smash things and let the emotions out.

Thursday, June 6, 2013


I wonder what you remember.

I wonder what you remember, and if it's the same things that I remember.  But then, I think, how could they be?

Because I remember the things you said and the things you did. And I remember the way your laughter made me want to laugh, too. And I remember how you made me want to be better. Better at life and just better at... being a better me.

So, how could your things be the same as my things?

and then I wonder, what do you remember? What were the things about me that were worth remembering for you? And I wonder if they're good things or if they're things that I wish you didn't remember.

Whatever they are, those things you remember, I hope that you smile when you think of me in the same way that I smile when I think of you.