Monday, January 3, 2011


It amuses me a little that I have very firm ideas in my head of what I DON'T want this blog to be...  and very few on what I DO.

I don't want this to be about CT.  I'm very deliberately moving on... (lol and avoiding the keyword search engines)...  I am not them, and I am not defined by them, and I want this blog to reflect that.  At the same time, I've begun to realize that three years is a long time to commit to something, and to think that it wouldn't leave a lasting effect on me is probably unreasonable.  There are still things I've not yet worked through, and it might be okay to do that here.

I also don't want to allow this space to be a vehicle for passive-aggression.  I think many of us, especially those of us who've participated in the blogging community at a time in the past, have experienced the multitude of passive-aggressive blogs.  "I'm too chicken to tell you why I'm mad at you, so instead I will write about you publicly, but GENERALLY, so that I don't have to CONFRONT you but you still get that I'm ticked off."  And please, don't think I'm criticizing anyone but myself here.  I've done them, and I've done them often.

The other night, I found myself staring into the fire and thinking over the friendships I've let go of in the last year... in some cases, they were relationships that had been over for a long time; in others, the pain was still yet quite fresh.  As I thought, I pre-wrote phrases in my head, the possibility of them turning into a blog looming.  But, as I thought, I realized that my intent was not to share anything worth sharing, but just so that I could say outloud, even if no one was reading, "I was hurt by what you did and I want you to know it."  There can be a momentary satisfaction in that, a cathartic release...  but I'm not sure the payoff is really worth it.

My confession to you is that I'm waiting for my writing voice to come back.  I'm out of practice doing this...  and I don't feel like I've hit my stride yet.  I'm a little worried I never will.