Friday, May 19, 2017

Hold on. Be strong.

When I got my new phone, I downloaded the TimeHop app to it. It's an often-funny part of my day to look back at the things I've shared in the past. Funny comments, pictures of the kids, funny things they said or did.

Right now, my posts from several years ago are sad. Like, super sad. It was a broken time in a friendship that had left me pretty heartbroken for awhile. -- And I was just sad.

Every time something a little pathetic pops up, I just want to send my 6-years-ago self a little time travel letter that says - "Hold on. Right now hurts - and honestly it's going to hurt for a long time - but hold on. Eventually healing will find you and things will be okay. Be strong."

And, really, I think I'm going to do just that. My 6-years-ago self may not profit from it. But my right-now self will, and my tomorrow self will, and 6-years-from-now self will.

Hold on. Healing will find you. Things will be okay. Be strong.

Friday, May 12, 2017

When You Need to be the ____est"

The day came when it just became too much.

There existed this insistent need inside of me..  A need to be the best, the closest, the most prolific, the rightest, the smartest...  The ____est.

Following the need to be the ____est takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of headspace. A lot of effort, a lot of emotion. A lot of fruitlessness.

Because, really, no matter how great you are at something, you will always be able to find someone who is better at some part of it. Someone who comes along and steals some part of your ____est. And if "____est" is your goal, if "____est" is the definition of your value and your self-worth, then value and self-worth become very elusive things to find.

And eventually that need became too much for me. The journey to "____est" was too much or perhaps just too unrewarding. Too depressing. Too unfulfilling.

The journey to get there couldn't even be enjoyed. Anything less than the best meant not good enough. And a soul can't survive much of that.

So I had to let go of ____est.

Being the best of all was left behind.
Being the best me was maybe picked up.

But I had to figure out what that meant. My best me looked different in some ways than others. I had to decide what good enough looked like... and that took some time.  It still takes time because it keeps changing.

But redefining myself and redefining what success looks like for me...  it made a difference. It made my value attainable. It was the difference between always striving for something unattainable and being happy with who I was...  with who I am.

Monday, May 8, 2017

The Day We Struck Oil

(on Monday)

At first, we thought the black liquid was oil, that we'd struck it rich and that we'd be able to retire and live in leisure. We actually started writing down all the ways we'd spend the money.

My first choice was to buy the biggest swimming pool in the world and fill it with all the ice cream a person could eat. Jamie said that was stupid -- swimming in ice cream would give you frostbite.  You'd have to go with pudding, or maybe peanut butter.

It's not like his list was any better. He just wanted to go to Disneyland every day for a year. Isn't there a limit to how often you could go before you'd get bored??

Jenny said we were both idiots. She wouldn't share her list, but I'm sure it was full of grown-up wishes -- world peace and 401Ks and all that. Jenny was always pretending she was better than us.

I still thought the ice cream pool was a pretty cool idea.  I bet Jenny did, too.

But then the rock I was sitting on blinked.  And the ground began to move, and I remember thinking that maybe we hadn't struck oil after all.
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