Thursday, January 4, 2018

RE-building Trust, Revisited

I was reading this old post of mine this morning (it showed up in my Timehop):

How Do You Build Trust?

I wrote then about building trust...  but really, it was about RE-building trust. At the time, I was really struggling with whether to rekindle a broken friendship. We had both done things that had destroyed each other's trust in the other, but had an opportunity to maybe start over.

I was conflicted. There was a lot of hurt there, and I wasn't sure if starting over was possible - if healing was possible. How DO you rebuild trust again? What if I got hurt? What if I got hurt worse?

In the end, I decided to take those baby steps.

I read back to that time in my messages the other day. You see, those baby steps worked, and eventually trust was rebuilt, and it's been five years since then. Reading back to those messages was hard.  In fact, the first time I tried, the hurt that emanated from the words was so acute, it was uncomfortable just to read it. I had to close it and come back for a second try. Rebuilding trust wasn't easy.

But I'm glad that I risked it. Because I wasn't wrong... I could have gotten really hurt.  And truthfully, sometimes I was really hurt.

But persevering led to a really comfortable friendship, and perhaps more appreciated because of the risk it took to get there.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018


It's a weird and lonely three days.

For the past few years, a new "fun" thing has joined my hormonal cycle. My sensible voice just takes a really long nap.

You know how you have that voice in your head that tells you all the crap things about yourself?

"You're terrible at everything. No one likes you. Everything you think is wrong."

Normally I have another voice who acts as the voice of reason.

"Let's not be ridiculous, you know that none of those things is true," and goes on to make its case for why, and pulls me out of irrationality.

But, for three days out of every month, that Voice of Reason mysteriously goes away and I'm left with three days of endless negative talk. It's not just that it's negative... but that it pushes me to destroy everything. It's hard to explain... but my panic instinct is to annihilate all of my relationships in self-protection.

I've taken to just having to recognize it... acknowledge with a big mental announcement that this is the Crazy Three Days.  To completely ban myself from making any sort of relationship decisions - be it marital, parental, or friend.

They're rarely healthy... and when I get done being crazy, they're not what I want.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Goals: Velveteen Rabbit

I am rusty at this, but we're going to give it a go.

I want to be more authentic this year. More real. I feel like I have closed myself off a lot over the last year. I don't know if it's walls I've built exactly, I've just taken more of myself away. I feel very guarded and I don't like the effect that's had on my friendships. 

So I really want to be more deliberate about opening myself up again.  Being honest.

Wrapped up in that is bravery. Bravery to be myself. Bravery to risk rejection. Bravery to not mold myself to fit in. Bravery to be embarrassed and uncomfortable. Bravery to not be right. Bravery to persevere when I want to hide.

Today is a start.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

2017 in List Form

Books I Read (that I wrote down somewhere)
The Hobbit
Tiny Beautiful Things
The Princess Diarist
Daring Greatly
The Year of Yes
Loving What is

Events and Thoughts of Import
Adopted Biscuit (cat)
Got to know Lesley
Lots of crying in April
Started Organize Mom's House project
Color Run
Finished DBT class
Beer Festival with Joel
5K run
Jill Coleman and Mindset
Talked to Angie re: incorrect perceptions
Casey got a job at QFC
Sat outside all summer
Alicia - Homecoming!
Also Alicia - broke foot.
Started homeschooling Mckenzie
Casey got her driver's license
Alicia's friends threw a surprise birthday party
Started Beachbody
Snow at Xmas

Concerts and Plays I saw
Emmet Cahill
Byrne and Kelly - 2x --  "Brothers in Arms" just for me!
Jacob Whitesides
Shawn Mendes (3x)
Ed Sheeran
Something Rotten
Brene Brown booktour
The Humans
Postmodern Jukebox

Trips We Took
Kingston in February
Spring Break in Eugene and Portland
Whale watching w/Alicia
St Edwards hike
Port Gamble and Fort Flagler
Omaha/Iowa/South Dakota trip with Perri and crew!
Beach Day
My mom's in July
Thanksgiving in Eugene
Leavenworth at Veteran's Day

Movies I Saw
Newsies on Broadway
Star Wars
Murder on the Orient Express
The Dark Tower
Baby Driver
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Going in Style
Beauty and the Beast

Friday, May 19, 2017

Hold on. Be strong.

When I got my new phone, I downloaded the TimeHop app to it. It's an often-funny part of my day to look back at the things I've shared in the past. Funny comments, pictures of the kids, funny things they said or did.

Right now, my posts from several years ago are sad. Like, super sad. It was a broken time in a friendship that had left me pretty heartbroken for awhile. -- And I was just sad.

Every time something a little pathetic pops up, I just want to send my 6-years-ago self a little time travel letter that says - "Hold on. Right now hurts - and honestly it's going to hurt for a long time - but hold on. Eventually healing will find you and things will be okay. Be strong."

And, really, I think I'm going to do just that. My 6-years-ago self may not profit from it. But my right-now self will, and my tomorrow self will, and 6-years-from-now self will.

Hold on. Healing will find you. Things will be okay. Be strong.
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