PLEASE TELL ME

(A snippet of a song I wrote this morning...)

The little white lies you told me, they hang between us now

Like a cobweb spun across an old doorframe.

They seep inside and taint us, and I can’t seem to find my smile

Just want to find somebody else to blame.

We tried so hard to fix this, together you and I

This broken thing that we had thought was lost

But I don’t know what to do now and I don’t know what I can say

I’m just not sure it’s still worth what it costs.

So please tell me you can say the words I need to hear

I don’t want to turn from you and walk away

But we’re standing at the crossroads and I wish that you could see 

How hard it hurts me every time I stay.

I THOUGHT I WOULD BE DIFFERENT

I thought I would be different...  when I got through it all.
And I was. I was different.
I saw things different. I said things different. I felt things different.

But I was the same, too. I had the same past and the same face and the same pain and the same happy.
and I wasn't really sure how to be both.  To be both the same and different.
Perhaps I'm still not sure.

I'm still the same. And I'm still different.
But I don't always know which I want to be.

And I guess that's okay. It's okay to have changed.  And it's okay to have not changed.
And it's okay to be both. and it's okay to not be sure which I am at a given moment.

It's even okay that I see things in me that maybe others haven't seen yet.
It's okay that I'm not always who people think I am.

This "becoming" business isn't always pretty. There are stops and starts and they don't always make sense.
It's a twisty topsy-turny road...  but honestly, I wouldn't want to be on another.

BECOMING IS HARD

Becoming is hard. It hurts.
Becoming requires stretching and pushing and pulling.
It's being put into the fire and hit with the blacksmith's hammer.
And there is pain and there is struggle.
There is a desire to go back. Go back to where you where, what you were.
What it all was when it didn't hurt.
Because becoming is hard and it hurts.

But when you are done becoming, you are such a beautiful creature. 
You are beautiful in your pain now, my little friend.
But, oh the beauty that is to come if you just hang on a few moments longer.
Push through your pain. 
Hang on while they stretch you into things that you didn't know you could be.
Cling to whatever you can to make it just one moment longer.
Because when you are done, when the stretching is over,
When the blacksmith has finished, and your iron is cool
Oh you are beautiful.

Look at what you've become.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes it’s hard.

Sometimes putting one foot in front of the other is the best you can do.

Sometimes just standing still in the current of your life is the best you can do.

Sometimes not falling down is the best you can do.

Sometimes truth hits you like a 2 x 4 in the face.

Sometimes it trickles in.

Sometimes you can only accept it one little bit at a time

But sometimes it all seeps in.

And sometimes you have to accept it.

Sometimes you have to act, even if you know the outcome will not be what you want.

Sometimes you have to accept that what you want is not what you need.

Sometimes what you need is far simpler than you ever dreamed.

Sometimes you have to let go to hang on.

Sometimes you have cry.

Sometimes you have to laugh.

Sometimes you have to bang your head against the wall.

Sometimes you have to bang someone ELSE’s head against the wall.

Sometimes you have to accept that banging someone else’s head against the wall is not really your job.

Sometimes you have to wait for life to be their Great Teacher.

Sometimes you have to look for your blessings.

Sometimes you have to get a new blessings bucket because yours has overflowed.

Sometimes you have to look at your trials with new eyes to see how they fit in your buckets of blessings.

Sometimes you have to wait.

Sometimes you have to breathe.

Sometimes life isn’t what you want.

Sometimes people aren’t who you want them to be.

Sometimes YOU aren’t who you want to be.

Sometimes you keep going, anyway.

And sometimes you smile.