ONE MORE GIFT: WALKING AWAY

Family is returning home. The gifts are being found places to belong in our house.  The Christmas decorations are being put away in the garage. Another year is coming to a close.

And still I have one gift to open.

It sits in a small box in a drawer of my desk. It's wrapped in shiny red paper and tied up with a bright green bow. I know what's inside because I wrapped it myself.  The gift tag says, "To Jo, From Yourself."  Inside, lovingly placed in a white box, is a single piece of pale pink paper with two simple words.

"Walk Away."

That is my gift to myself. Permission to walk away.

To walk away from friendships that aren't friendships.
To walk away from guilt trips, both the ones placed on me by others and the ones I place on myself.
To walk away from needless drama and chaos that doesn't actually affect me.
To walk away from the unloving expectations and the heartless words.
To walk away from making myself into someone I'm not so that I will be accepted by people I don't actually like.

Even just a slice of this permission is an amazing thing filled with great peace and happiness. I've tasted it.

I know.

M IS FOR MANIPULATION

It was a friendship that was over.  If there was blame to be placed for that, there were multiple places to do it.  Some of it belonged to me, some of it belonged to them, which is probably the case with most ended friendships.  Rarely does it fall on just one, and if you start to thinking it does, then you're not being honest with yourself.  I was at the stage of the healing where you go over every minute of the friendship, thinking of what could have gone differently, if you did right, if you did wrong, if you were right to walk away, if you were unreasonable.  I began to realize how strongly manipulation was a part of our friendship.  It wasn't until that moment that I had even seen it. I hadn't realized how easily it was to manipulate me, and it's not been something that I have been able to un-see.

Guilt trips. Passive Aggression. Self putdowns.  They're all things that I've found myself to be really susceptible to, and I cave all the time.  Do you have things that you find yourself kowtowing to constantly?  Or people?

I've been really trying to get away from that.  I don't like feeling used.  I've been trying to adopt a stronger resolve, and to be more resistant when those aforementioned methods of manipulation are used on me. I feel like people will think that, when I don't cave like I used to, that I've become a harder person, that I don't care, that I'm mean, and I don't like that much, either.  But I'm not sorry for becoming stronger, I think it's a good thing. In a roundabout way, it's actually allowed me to be a much better wife and mom, and I can't be sorry for that. I just don't want to be the girl that allows herself to be so manipulated anymore.

Don't you allow yourself, either.  Folks who use manipulation to make you change who you are aren't really your friends, and you're worth more than that.