Thursday, January 4, 2018

RE-building Trust, Revisited

I was reading this old post of mine this morning (it showed up in my Timehop):

How Do You Build Trust?


I wrote then about building trust...  but really, it was about RE-building trust. At the time, I was really struggling with whether to rekindle a broken friendship. We had both done things that had destroyed each other's trust in the other, but had an opportunity to maybe start over.

I was conflicted. There was a lot of hurt there, and I wasn't sure if starting over was possible - if healing was possible. How DO you rebuild trust again? What if I got hurt? What if I got hurt worse?

In the end, I decided to take those baby steps.

I read back to that time in my messages the other day. You see, those baby steps worked, and eventually trust was rebuilt, and it's been five years since then. Reading back to those messages was hard.  In fact, the first time I tried, the hurt that emanated from the words was so acute, it was uncomfortable just to read it. I had to close it and come back for a second try. Rebuilding trust wasn't easy.

But I'm glad that I risked it. Because I wasn't wrong... I could have gotten really hurt.  And truthfully, sometimes I was really hurt.

But persevering led to a really comfortable friendship, and perhaps more appreciated because of the risk it took to get there.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Irrational

It's a weird and lonely three days.

For the past few years, a new "fun" thing has joined my hormonal cycle. My sensible voice just takes a really long nap.

You know how you have that voice in your head that tells you all the crap things about yourself?

"You're terrible at everything. No one likes you. Everything you think is wrong."

Normally I have another voice who acts as the voice of reason.

"Let's not be ridiculous, you know that none of those things is true," and goes on to make its case for why, and pulls me out of irrationality.

But, for three days out of every month, that Voice of Reason mysteriously goes away and I'm left with three days of endless negative talk. It's not just that it's negative... but that it pushes me to destroy everything. It's hard to explain... but my panic instinct is to annihilate all of my relationships in self-protection.

I've taken to just having to recognize it... acknowledge with a big mental announcement that this is the Crazy Three Days.  To completely ban myself from making any sort of relationship decisions - be it marital, parental, or friend.

They're rarely healthy... and when I get done being crazy, they're not what I want.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Goals: Velveteen Rabbit

I am rusty at this, but we're going to give it a go.

I want to be more authentic this year. More real. I feel like I have closed myself off a lot over the last year. I don't know if it's walls I've built exactly, I've just taken more of myself away. I feel very guarded and I don't like the effect that's had on my friendships. 

So I really want to be more deliberate about opening myself up again.  Being honest.

Wrapped up in that is bravery. Bravery to be myself. Bravery to risk rejection. Bravery to not mold myself to fit in. Bravery to be embarrassed and uncomfortable. Bravery to not be right. Bravery to persevere when I want to hide.

Today is a start.
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