ALL OF A SUDDEN, THINGS ARE DIFFERENT

And, all of a sudden, things are different.

All of a sudden, what you knew has changed. Who you understood yourself to be... has changed. 

You can't do what you did anymore. You can't say what you said... because things are different. You changed them.

and it's strange because they're different.

But, you know that it's right.. at least for now... because it feels so comfortable. And maybe you're not quite sure where you are supposed to be right now, what you are supposed to be doing.  Maybe it's not clear to you yet. 

But, you know it's not what you left. 

You'll find your way. People like us, we always do. And when your way opens up, you'll find who you are again. You'll find what you're meant to do, who you're meant to be.

I've a feeling that you might already know.

WHEN THEY MAKE YOU FEEL SMALL

I had an experience last week where I had a conversation with someone who always comes across as very condescending.  I hate that just about more than anything. To be talked down to is not a nice place to be. And as the evening wore on, I found myself more and more furious at the situation, at the person.

As I thought about that, I sort of began to realize that I wasn't angry over the words that were said. I was angry over the way they were said. I was angry because the person made me feel small. They made me feel like they thought I was stupid. They made me feel like less than I am. Like I don't know what I want, or what's good for me.

I couldn't do anything about the other person. But, I could do something about me.

Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with the saying, 

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

If you don't let someone else's words matter to you, they lose their power over you. They lose their ability to control how you feel, how you see yourself.

So, I took a breath (after I vented at everyone I knew). I thought about all the things that I knew to be true. And I remembered who I was.

Suddenly, I didn't feel small anymore. I didn't feel less-than. I felt like me... in all the beautiful ways I get to be me.

And it was good.

I THOUGHT I WOULD BE DIFFERENT

I thought I would be different...  when I got through it all.
And I was. I was different.
I saw things different. I said things different. I felt things different.

But I was the same, too. I had the same past and the same face and the same pain and the same happy.
and I wasn't really sure how to be both.  To be both the same and different.
Perhaps I'm still not sure.

I'm still the same. And I'm still different.
But I don't always know which I want to be.

And I guess that's okay. It's okay to have changed.  And it's okay to have not changed.
And it's okay to be both. and it's okay to not be sure which I am at a given moment.

It's even okay that I see things in me that maybe others haven't seen yet.
It's okay that I'm not always who people think I am.

This "becoming" business isn't always pretty. There are stops and starts and they don't always make sense.
It's a twisty topsy-turny road...  but honestly, I wouldn't want to be on another.

YOU WILL COME BACK

It had been a long season of hard heartache. Broken relationships, shattered trust, disillusioned expectations. Weeks had been spent in tears until I no longer even had those left... only an empty husk of a heart that was afraid to move in any direction, lest its last remaining thread strength be ripped away.

I felt like there was nothing left of me.  I looked in the mirror and I didn't know that girl anymore. I knew the smiley one, the one who could find humor in anything.  But this broken girl?  I didn't know her.  I didn't want to know her. She seemed to be every weak part of me, all rolled up into one person. To know her was to accept her. To accept her was to ... be her.

Over time, I came back to myself.  Because you do.  That season of heartache doesn't last forever, and you eventually come back to yourself. The laughter you knew before, it comes back.  When you look in the mirror, you begin to see more and more glimpses of the girl you used to be, the girl you liked being.

But, the girl you were in the midst of the heartache, she's there too.  Behind your eyes, she's still there and this is probably a good thing.  For going through the heartache isn't just about getting through it.  It's about healing and it's about wisdom. It's learning lessons about yourself and other people.  It's about changing and growth.

You will learn to recognize yourself in the mirror again.  You will come back to yourself again.  But, you will be different, too.