THURSDAY TALES: ASHES

"Taxi!"

The yellow cab came to a stop outside the airport and I climbed into the backseat, pushing my carry-on onto the seat ahead of me.  The driver turned around to look at me and inquired, "Where to, Miss?"

"Victor City, please," I replied in a tired voice, and we were off.  I leaned my head back against the headrest, and closed my eyes.  It had felt like a long trip, even though I'd only been gone for two days.  A successful one, though.  I'd landed two major accounts, so I'd say that was a trip well-spent.  But, I was exhausted, and I just wanted to be home, climb into my own bed, and curl up for a well-deserved nap.

The trip home had been somewhat of a disaster.  The wake-up call I'd ordered at the hotel hadn't come through, they were out of coffee, I'd nearly missed my flight, and I'd forgotten my phone charger on the kitchen counter at home, so I felt virtually cut off from the world with no way to be contacted.

As we rolled into town, I gave my address to the driver and watched the morning walkers stroll down the street, so intent on going nowhere and ending right back at home where they started. I just wanted to be in bed. The driver's voice pulled me from my tired stupor.

"Oh wow," he exclaimed.  "I think someone just lost a house."

I looked through the front window of the cab to see the smoke from a put-out fire twirling into the sky.

"Oh no," I whispered.  "Oh no, oh no, oh no."  That wasn't someone's house.  That was my house.

My beautiful house with the wraparound porch.  As soon as I'd seen it five years earlier, I'd had to have it.  It was reminiscent of every childhood book I'd ever loved.  It was old and drafty, and probably more trouble than it was worth, trying to keep the pipes in repair.  But I loved it and I had spent so much time restoring it.

There were fire trucks everywhere, firemen with sooty, tired faces...  and no house.

I jumped out of the car before it even stopped and ran over to a group of them.  I recognized Peter, a guy who had gone to high school with me...  now a father of three, and coaching football at the school he'd played for.  "Peter!  What happened??" I asked, the panic rising.  "Why didn't anyone call me??"

His eyes widened, "Oh god, there you are, Jennifer.  No one knew how to get ahold of you... you didn't answer your phone and no one knew where you were staying.  I'm so sorry.  We tried to save it, we've been here all night.  But, it just went up like someone had poured lighter fluid on it, and..."  He gestured apologetically to the ruins and ashes that now sat where my home once was.

I stepped toward where my porch had been, but he put a hand on my sleeve.  "Jen, we just got it out...  It's not safe yet."  But I pushed him away and kept walking.  I couldn't just stand there.  It was dark and smoky and everything I loved was in there somewhere.  The pictures of my mother, my childhood memories, all the letters I'd saved.  It was all gone... how could it be gone?  I knelt to the ground and ran my hand through some of the ashes that had cooled.

A shrill voice cut through the morning, "Why, Jennifer...  what on EARTH happened to your BEAUTIFUL HOUSE?"  I closed my eyes and tried to shut out the noise, but I knew it was just going to keep coming.  Rachel Baxter.  High school cheerleader, daughter of the richest man in town, and first class pain-in-the-ass.  I pasted a tight smile on my face and turned around to meet the oncoming onslaught of annoyance. Rachel was dressed for the morning cool in pink and grey velvet and matching sneakers, her long blond hair perfectly styled. I felt just a little bit dowdy in my wrinkly travel clothes, my light brown hair limp and up in a ponytail. I smoothed my hands across my face, tucking my bangs behind my ears.
Douglas was behind her.

"Hello, Rachel," I said with a sigh. "Doug."

"Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer... it is just SO TERRIBLE what has happened to your HOUSE!" She spoke in capitals.  "I guess you can NEVER be too CAREFUL, can you?  I don't know WHAT I would do if anything like that happened to ME.  You just NEVER know what could HAPPEN when you turn your back for a SECOND."

"Yes. This appears to be the second time I've had to learn that lesson," I muttered drily, with a glance at Doug.  "You'd think I'd have learned it by now.” I’d once had his engagement ring on my left hand.

“WELL,” Rachel moved to head back the way she’d come.  “I suppose we’ll LEAVE you to get ON with your clean-up.  WE just wanted to come and make SURE that you were alright.”  She looked pointedly at Doug.  “Come ALONG, Douglas.”

I watched Rachel march pointedly back up the sidewalk the way she’d come.  Doug lingered behind.
I turned around and surveyed the damage again, still not quite believing what had happened while I was gone.

“Is there a reason you’re still standing here, Doug?” I asked, tiredly.

He stepped around me and looked down into my eyes.  That curl over his forehead kept falling into his eyes.  “You’ve got ashes on your cheek,” he said quietly, and he touched his thumb to my skin, slowly wiping it away.  My eyes closed of their own volition.

“DOUGLAS! We’re GOING now,” came from down the street.

I drew a breath and glared up at him.  “Doug... someday, I hope you really understand what you threw away... and for THAT.  I think you’re being paged.”  He opened his mouth to say... something, but I stopped him.  “Just go.  She’s only going to keep calling.”

TRUST IS LIKE A VASE

Loss of trust sucks.

It is tremendously hard to take personal responsibility that you are the one to blame for someone else losing trust in you.  But, I'm coming to realize that it is sometimes just as hard and heartbreaking to be the one who has lost trust in someone else.

It's not just something you can fix with a simple solution.  You can't patch it with tape or glue. It's just there, undermining everything.  I'm reminded of the lyrics of a song I like:

"Well, a month or so has passed and now you're back again with me
But the cracks remain unmended in our once so-perfect team.
We seem to spend all our time just trying to make things right
But there cannot be a winner in this neverending fight."

It's like that.

You can try to fix everything else... but the loss of trust just sort of hangs out in there, picking at the tape, melting the glue. Just always there...  and that's true whether you're the one that broke the trust or the one who lost theirs.

It's just sad... that's all.  It's just sad to know there is no trust where there once was much.

PLEASING EVERYONE

12. You also can't please everyone. It can't be done with honesty. Look around... worry about your relationship with those you are in close relationship with. The rest... let it go.

Until getting involved with CT, I didn't really realize how deep was my desire to be liked... by everyone.  And so, this is a lesson I've had to learn and relearn, a little bit more each time.  It's been a little like carving a figure out of a large piece of wood.  You start by hacking away at it... and then your shavings become a little more refined.  A piece here, a thin slice there...  With each pass at it, you get a little closer to finding the image that lies inside the wood.  Does that analogy work?  Perhaps not.

Initially, I wanted to make everyone happy.... cast, creatives, fans.  I laugh now to look back and think of the fervor with which I threw myself into attempting such. But, no one is on the same side as anyone else, and you can't make everyone happy.  There is an inevitable backlash, and it caught me by surprise.  I remember confiding in someone about it, and they told me I had to learn to let those things roll off my back... that I would drown in it if I didn't. Let's just say I wasn't very good at that. But, it was the first pass at learning the lesson, and that's okay.

I took several more passes at the lesson over the ensuing three years...  each time, I learned a little bit more about understanding that I couldn't please everyone, and more importantly, that not everyone needed to be pleased.  I learned to identify friends, and to focus my energies and emotions on those relationships instead of trying to make everyone happy.

I will never forget something my husband once said to me.  I was worked up about something that now seems silly...  but I was trying to explain the situation, and the backstories, and why I was upset over it.  I so clearly remember him shaking his head at me and saying, "I guess I just don't understand.  Why would you let people who are clearly bitter and unhappy change who you are?" That has stuck with me ever since. It was the comment that helped the most to wash away everything that was unimportant, and has helped me to focus energies on things that are.  Because, truly.... why would I do that??

I know I've talked a lot about this in relation to the CT fan community, as indeed I've learned some really important lessons from being involved there.  Sometimes, I've thought to myself, "If I could just go back and NOT hit the 'up' arrow, I could have saved myself so much hurt..."  But, I don't think I'd do it.  I've learned REALLY good lessons that I may not have learned otherwise, and I don't think I'd give that up.  But the great thing about the lessons is that you may learn them in one place, but you can apply them in other places, too.  This is one of those.

I'm actually delighted to find that this topic was the next one on the list.  I was just thinking yesterday about the people who are my friends.  I was laughing with Stacey and feeling blessed and delighted in our friendship. I was chatting with Diana and Lisa, and feeling grateful and full of love. I was at Weight Watchers this morning, and sharing in comfortable camaraderie with the friends I've made there.

It is these friendships, plus a few others too, that I've come to realize are important to me.  It is these relationships that I want to devote energy to, that I want to see grow and mature and come alive.  But the rest?  The rest I can let go. The rest I can let roll off my back.  I couldn't do that before.  But, I can now.

10 THINGS I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND SAY TO ME

1.  To 10 year old Me: "You're wrong.  I know it doesn't seem like it today, but things will be okay again.  And you will be happy again. And you will one day look back at today, and see how it shaped you into who will be... and in good ways."

2.  To 24 year old Me: "Don't sell it.  You're a busy mom to three very small children.  You don't have time to practice, and it costs money you don't currently possess to fix it.  But someday, you will look back and kinda wish you still had your flute."

3.  To 8 year old Me: "Tell Mom it was your fault.  Do it now, get it over with.  Save yourself 8 years of guilt. She knows, anyway."

4.  To 22 year old Me: "Don't be in such a hurry to get to the next phase. Enjoy what you have while you have it.  It flees so quickly."

5.  To 18 year old Me: "Just go home. You don't belong here and you are lost.  Wait and start over next year.  But wait at home where you aren't alone."

6. To 14 year old Me (and 15 year old Me, and 16 year old Me, and 17 year old Me): "Be nicer to your dad.  He's not really trying to ruin your life."

7.  To 33 year old Me: "Pay attention to manipulation. It comes in many forms and you are blind to most of them."

8. To Me at just about every age: "Enjoy where you are. Dream, hope, plan for the future, yes.  But enjoy where you are right now."

9. To 15 year old Me: "Umm, you know that Mom doesn't really buy that it's cooler a block away, right?"

10. To Yesterday Me: "Don't let who you think you are expected to be become who you think you must be.  Be who you are.  Nothing more, nothing less."

CHANGE

"Change isn't one simple choice. It's a process of a series of steps."


My daughter came home from camp a couple weeks ago with this little tidbit in her notes. I think that, more than anything, it gives me hope.

Sometimes I wish I was a different sort of person... the kind of person who could quit habits without struggling every moment.  The kind of person who could decide to make a change, and then have that change be easy to carry out.  The kind of person who doesn't backslide quite so much.

But, the truth is I'm not that kind of person.  I'm the kind of person that fights tooth and nail to stop doing what I don't want to do, but can't seem to help.  I'm the kind of person who can't quite master "I'm never going to do this again" but instead sets a somewhat less lofty goal of "I'm not going to do this... today," and sometimes finds even that a hard thing to accomplish.  I'm the kind of person who seems to celebrate every step of success with half a step of backsliding.  Sure, it's still overall progress, but my gosh, it's slow going.

So, yes, sometimes I wish I could be that person who decides to make a change, and makes it *snap* like that. If that is you, I look at you with envy, yes I do. I envy your commitment, your resolve, your determination, your ability to simply do what must be done.

But, I think I recognize that there is something to be gained in being the person who fights desperately for every win, too... and even for every loss. There is something to be learned in taking small steps, learning to accept small victories.  Even in learning to accept the mini-defeats, but also in learning not to let the mini-defeats beat YOU.

Maybe I'll never be the person who can change easily.  But I can be the person that grows in wisdom and character with every mini-change along the journey.