"Change isn't one simple choice. It's a process of a series of steps."
My daughter came home from camp a couple weeks ago with this little tidbit in her notes. I think that, more than anything, it gives me hope.
Sometimes I wish I was a different sort of person... the kind of person who could quit habits without struggling every moment. The kind of person who could decide to make a change, and then have that change be easy to carry out. The kind of person who doesn't backslide quite so much.
But, the truth is I'm not that kind of person. I'm the kind of person that fights tooth and nail to stop doing what I don't want to do, but can't seem to help. I'm the kind of person who can't quite master "I'm never going to do this again" but instead sets a somewhat less lofty goal of "I'm not going to do this... today," and sometimes finds even that a hard thing to accomplish. I'm the kind of person who seems to celebrate every step of success with half a step of backsliding. Sure, it's still overall progress, but my gosh, it's slow going.
So, yes, sometimes I wish I could be that person who decides to make a change, and makes it *snap* like that. If that is you, I look at you with envy, yes I do. I envy your commitment, your resolve, your determination, your ability to simply do what must be done.
But, I think I recognize that there is something to be gained in being the person who fights desperately for every win, too... and even for every loss. There is something to be learned in taking small steps, learning to accept small victories. Even in learning to accept the mini-defeats, but also in learning not to let the mini-defeats beat YOU.
Maybe I'll never be the person who can change easily. But I can be the person that grows in wisdom and character with every mini-change along the journey.