STRONG AND BRAVE

So... I did a thing.

That turned into a bigger thing.

Basically, my "this isn't right" met up with my "someone has to say something" at just the right (or wrong) time, and I decided that someone was going to be me. I posted some heartfelt thoughts.

To our internal message board. At work.

I know.

And then, I scurried to bed.

I was almost afraid to look at the fall-out when I got up the next morning. No. I was afraid. I really do like my job!

But... I guess the most immediate fall-out was gratitude -- many messages, publicly and privately, thanking me for standing up, for saying what others also felt, for my bravery.

I haven't really known what to say or do with that.  I haven't felt brave at all.

It reminds me of how I felt when our girls were babies. We were 23 years old, first-time parents, when we had our twins -- preemies who spent weeks in the NICU. I remember feeling so uncomfortable and inadequate when people would praise us for how strong they thought we are.

Strong was the last thing I felt. I was just doing what I had to do -- for survival, not strength.

Strong and brave aren't really words I would use to describe myself but --

Maybe that's just because I've seen to many Hollywood movies where Strong and Brave were the big heroic deeds of muscle men and superheroes. Maybe that's not what Strong and Brave are.

Maybe... sometimes...

Strong and Brave are the little choices of ordinary people just trying to survive and do the right thing.

And maybe I need to remember that more.

THEMES OF MY LIFE: AUTHENTIC, VULNERABLE, BRAVE

Last year, my one resolution was to be more authentic. To be okay with being myself, yes - but more, to have the courage to be more outwardly vulnerable. To have the courage to be more honest.

It was a good resolution. Just with a short life.

My first attempt bit me in the ass, basically. It was met with words that I found painful and sent me running back to my defenses. The risk is too great, I thought. Authenticity is too hard. I guess that courage didn't last very long.

Even in the fall when I got a little more solid in my life decisions, when Iw as a little more sure of my why's, and I wanted to write more -- I laid out some affirmative mantras for what I wanted to guide me, one of which was "You have permission to be honest." Wrapped up in that was a continued desire to open myself up, to stop carrying secrets, to better practice and exemplify that authenticity. I found it harder than I thought.

Authenticity comes in pieces. When I think about it, it's not true that I haven't practiced it. It's just been very private and where I felt safe. There are a few people I've trusted enough to be authentic and open, people I was sure were there for me and not just gossip. And with those, I've been much more open about laying out everything. Outside of that, though, I've been pretty closed.

But maybe that's okay to start. One of the Brene Brown pieces that sticks with me is that we choose authenticity, we share our most real stories with those who have earned the right to hear them - not just willy-nilly with the maddening crowd. And maybe that's how you start to learn to be more real - with one trusted soul at a time.

Until, perhaps, the risks of holding tightly to your story become greater than the risks of giving it wings and validation.

I still want to work toward greater courage, deeper vulnerability, truer authenticity. If nothing else, as a gift to myself. But, I think I see now that there are footholds to rest on between the two extremes, and that it isn't an either-or.

GOALS: VELVETEEN RABBIT

I am rusty at this, but we're going to give it a go.

I want to be more authentic this year. More real. I feel like I have closed myself off a lot over the last year. I don't know if it's walls I've built exactly, I've just taken more of myself away. I feel very guarded and I don't like the effect that's had on my friendships.

So I really want to be more deliberate about opening myself up again.  Being honest.

Wrapped up in that is bravery. Bravery to be myself. Bravery to risk rejection. Bravery to not mold myself to fit in. Bravery to be embarrassed and uncomfortable. Bravery to not be right. Bravery to persevere when I want to hide.

Today is a start.

BROKEN IS WHERE...

Broken hurts.
It is full of rocks and nails and glass where you can hardly move without your wounds being reopened by something, bringing all the pain back up to the surface where it breaks you again and again.

But broken is also where the healing begins. 
Broken is where you strip away everything that you thought you were, where you find out who you really are.
Broken is where you find out what's really important to you, what you truly need and what you really want.
Broken is where you learn about strength and courage, forgiveness and compassion.

Broken is where you begin again.
Broken is where you become a new you.
And sometimes you find that the broken place was really a healing place.

GUTS TO BE KIND

Kindness is hard.

Because, you see, when you make the decision to pursue kindness, you don't get to choose who you dole that out to. It's not a conditional thing.  "If I like you, I'll be nice to you."

That's the easy way. But, it's not actually kindness.  That's just being nice to your friends.  Pretty easy.

It's being kind to the people you don't like, the people who rub you wrong, the people you don't agree with, the people who do things that you just don't understand...  that's the hard part. That's the part that requires you to dig deep into your beliefs, to dig into your patience, and to dig into your capacity for compassion.  That's where you find real kindness.

And it's elusive... because we don't want to do all that.  It's hard and it's work.  It's unpopular and you will find yourself being the only one.  And so it's also lonely.

But, in the final days... it's not the crowd that you will answer to. And so, still it's kindness that I seek after. I fall down a lot in its pursuit. I mess up. I snark off. I say things I shouldn't. I fail to exhibit compassion. I do what makes my selfish heart feel good and I fail.

And then I get up and I try again.

Hard things are not easy things.. but they're worthy things. So I keep trying.