Monday, November 12, 2012

Afraid to Trust You

You hurt me.

Or maybe I hurt you, too.  I don't know anymore.

I forgave you for that. I know I tried. I hope you forgave me too.

But when it came to trying again, when it came to putting myself at your mercy...

I held back. I couldn't give you that power.

I'd been hurt once.

That's not even all the way true.  I'd been hurt a lot of times.

I'm not sure you even cared.

I was afraid to trust you. I was afraid to be hurt.

Because, you see, the words you spoke and the things you did, they didn't match up.

I didn't know how to separate the truth from the lies anymore, and I wearied of trying.

I am not a very discerning person. I am often fooled, often hurt.

Some people call that gullible. Some people ridicule that and make me feel that believing people is a shortcoming.

Maybe it is. Maybe it's naivete to hope for and believe in the possibility of the good.

All I know is not being discerning means I'm wrong a lot.

Not being discerning means I hurt a lot.

And I was afraid of hurting again.

So I decided not to trust you.

That remains a decision filled with pain and doubt and sometimes regret.

The past can be loud.

And misleading. We don't always remember the truth, often just a twisted version of it.

But I decided.

And forward is the only direction left to go. 

5 comments:

  1. ((hugs)) And sometimes that's the only thing we can do. I don't think trusting is a negative, btw. I think it is a beautiful trait in the world where most people are cynics.

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  2. Trusting is one of the ways you have a kingdom-heart, Joanne. You see the best in people. Jesus sees the best in people. Yes, it means you get disappointed and hurt. Jesus gets disappointed and hurt. You have some insight into how he feels, looking at us, his creation.

    Probably doesn't make you feel any better when you get hurt though. (((((Joanne)))))

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Heather... This really meant a lot to me. Love you...

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  3. Choking back tears, I feel this way... heck I am this way... Love ya

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