Wednesday, November 25, 2015

That time I turned down Celtic Thunder...

Almost two years ago, I was asked if I would take on a "position" that involved writing for the CT Times (Celtic Thunder's monthly newsletter) and helping to run their Facebook page. The person who was in charge of those things had read my account of the inaugural Celtic Thunder Cruise and figured out I could kinda sorta write.

In the end, I turned it down -- for a number of reasons, I suppose.

I honestly probably would've enjoyed the "job" of writing for the newsletter -- if given the tools to do so effectively. I like to write... I love Celtic Thunder. It seemed like it could have been a match made in heaven...  There are lots of things that could be done to improve its readability and I would have been excited for the chance to do that -- but the lack of editorial control would have done me in.

Officially, I turned it down because it was a volunteer position that would have taken up far too much of my time. In truth, I didn't care that much about being paid. But I did care about my time and my talents being valued. At that point, I'd given a great deal of "free" time to Celtic Thunder -- and I had done so willingly!! But I was at a point within myself that I was willing to expect that my time would be respected.

I had to laugh a little when a rather condescending reply came back to me, extolling the virtues of the CT Times internship and how that would open doors for me in the music industry. Clearly, the person didn't know me very well or my less-than-zero desire to work in the music business.

Looking back...  those things are all still true... but I think that I was just as much moved by my desire to not have to police grown-ups into acting like grown-ups anymore. It was exhausting, emotionally draining, and I just didn't want it to be my job any longer.

I suppose I still feel that way.

I think it's a lot of why I'm limited about what I say on the internet anymore. Politics, religion... all the things that get us fired up, make us think that we need to go to Internet War.  The passive aggressive shows, the pity parties, the boardie stomps.

It hardly seems worth it...

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Forgiving the Girls I've Been

Sometimes I look back on the people I have been at earlier points in my life -- and I cringe.

Things I've said that I regret...
... that I did.
... that I thought.
Weaknesses I let have free rein.

It embarrasses me that they embodied the person that I was. As time has gone on and I've continued to grow and mature, as we all do, I have left many of those things behind. Or, at least I hope I have. My thoughts have become softer, my convictions gentler, my words kinder, my actions more controlled...

I wish that I was no longer trailed by the worst of the girls I've been. I wish that I could be forgiven. I yearn for my mistakes to no longer be held against me. I wish to be out of those girls' shadows.

But, in the end... while there are a few people who truly do hold those "me's of the past" against me and can't give me the freedom to change -- I know that the worst offender is myself.

I'm the one who punishes me for my past the worst.
I'm the one who can't forgive myself.
I'm the one who can't let it go.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Getting People to Change

Things get different when you stop trying to change people to fit your desires and simply let them be who they are. Women often complain about a man's propensity to run in to fix situations that they deem need solutions. But, I think perhaps we women are just as guilty.

Only it isn't situations that we think need our interference -- it's people.

How many women get involved with men and think, "If I can just get him to change this one thing, he'll be perfect?" And we apply that thinking to, not just men, but a myriad of different relationships.

I've a friend who used to say that often our strongest strengths and our deepest weaknesses are really different-extremed manifestations of the same character trait. A person who is deeply kind might also be a terrible pushover. Or a person who bleeds stubbornness might also possess strong determination.

So, really... when we try to wrangle a weakness out of the people we purport to love, are we also stripping them of their best strengths as well?

Of late, I suppose I've just come to the conclusion that I have enough issues of my own without needing to go around borrowing other people's, too. So I'm trying to love people for who they are, be as kind as I can, and let go of my needs to be right and in control.

I know that all sounds very goody-two-shoes and Pollyanna-esque. But, it isn't. I get frustrated. I get annoyed. I think that I know best. I get hurt.

I suppose that's when I make myself take a breath, go back to Square One, and think about who I want to be and how I want to treat people -- and then reset my path and my thoughts from there.

It isn't always easy. It usually isn't. But I think that it makes my heart calmer and happier ... and in the end, maybe that is easier.
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