Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Irrational

It's a weird and lonely three days.

For the past few years, a new "fun" thing has joined my hormonal cycle. My sensible voice just takes a really long nap.

You know how you have that voice in your head that tells you all the crap things about yourself?

"You're terrible at everything. No one likes you. Everything you think is wrong."

Normally I have another voice who acts as the voice of reason.

"Let's not be ridiculous, you know that none of those things is true," and goes on to make its case for why, and pulls me out of irrationality.

But, for three days out of every month, that Voice of Reason mysteriously goes away and I'm left with three days of endless negative talk. It's not just that it's negative... but that it pushes me to destroy everything. It's hard to explain... but my panic instinct is to annihilate all of my relationships in self-protection.

I've taken to just having to recognize it... acknowledge with a big mental announcement that this is the Crazy Three Days.  To completely ban myself from making any sort of relationship decisions - be it marital, parental, or friend.

They're rarely healthy... and when I get done being crazy, they're not what I want.

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