Friday, May 12, 2017

When You Need to be the ____est"

The day came when it just became too much.

There existed this insistent need inside of me..  A need to be the best, the closest, the most prolific, the rightest, the smartest...  The ____est.

Following the need to be the ____est takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of headspace. A lot of effort, a lot of emotion. A lot of fruitlessness.

Because, really, no matter how great you are at something, you will always be able to find someone who is better at some part of it. Someone who comes along and steals some part of your ____est. And if "____est" is your goal, if "____est" is the definition of your value and your self-worth, then value and self-worth become very elusive things to find.

And eventually that need became too much for me. The journey to "____est" was too much or perhaps just too unrewarding. Too depressing. Too unfulfilling.

The journey to get there couldn't even be enjoyed. Anything less than the best meant not good enough. And a soul can't survive much of that.

So I had to let go of ____est.

Being the best of all was left behind.
Being the best me was maybe picked up.

But I had to figure out what that meant. My best me looked different in some ways than others. I had to decide what good enough looked like... and that took some time.  It still takes time because it keeps changing.

But redefining myself and redefining what success looks like for me...  it made a difference. It made my value attainable. It was the difference between always striving for something unattainable and being happy with who I was...  with who I am.

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