Friday, January 22, 2016

Thoughts about CT and Me...

I emailed the manager for Byrne and Kelly last week to ask for general summer tour dates. I'm planning this Ireland trip and I was hoping that they wouldn't be happening at the same time.

Not that I would have really moved our trip around... I've come into a bit of unexpected budget, so with a slightly more extended trip, I don't have a lot of wiggle room on timing, anyway!

After her answer, I considered making sure that my trip wouldn't overlap with the Celtic Thunder fall tour either... but I never went to the trouble when I realized that it wouldn't bother me that much to miss it.

I stepped back a moment, eyed that thought with a touch of emotional detachment, and Hmmm'd.

Why wouldn't it bother me?

This isn't a "I'm done with Celtic Thunder!" or anything... I'm not upset. But... an acknowledgement that I feel differently than I did.

Partly, I know that I'm not really on-board with the content direction of the show lately. I liked it when we had new things every year or so...  The last three years of Nothing New/Rehash the Old doesn't interest me that much and the Constantly Revolving Door makes me a little tired.

It's taken me a year to come to peace about my relationship with the show's producer. We used to be friends -- and I will always be thankful for that friendship. I was awfully spoiled... and while most people just saw that, it was the more personal things that came with it that were important to me.  I will always be grateful for those things. They were kindnesses that came from knowing who I was, and caring about that person --

It was a friendship that meant something to me. We'll leave it at that.

And I've never been happy with the way it ended. But after a year, I can say that I'm at peace with it. I never really understood it.. I believe I deserved better... but I also don't really think it had anything to do with me. -- So I can leave it there and acknowledge that I don't want to pick it up again.

I stepped back from a lot of "being a fan." I gave myself permission this year to stop feeling like I had to support every castmember... and just started following the ones I really liked and that's made things quieter and nicer and less frenetic.

I'm not done with Celtic Thunder at all. Even with the things I don't love, I still like it and I still enjoy the shows. Probably, the truth is that as long as Ryan's a part of the cast, I'll be there.

But I feel less married to it.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

A little sunshine in the storm

Right now, our family is going through a Season of Hard.

One of my teenagers is dealing with some hard mental health things and our family has been in hardcore crisis mode for the past ten days.

It is stressful.
We are all tired and worn out.

But today, there was a little bit of sunshine.

Actual sunshine, yes.

Our other children have responded to the crisis by exhibiting kindness and compassion.

We just came back from an afternoon errand outing and there was laughter and smiling... and just a little bit of our happy back.

Tomorrow, it might be hard again.
Tonight even, it might be hard again.

But, we had this afternoon... and it was a reminder that Happy Times are still there to be had.

Monday, January 11, 2016

What I've Learned Planning a Trip...

I'm planning a trip to Ireland this summer.

While it's a relatively small place (coming from where I live), there's a remarkable lot to see.  So I began by asking my tribe, many of whom have been to Ireland before, what they thought I shouldn't miss.

And then began planning the trip around those things.

At the same time, I was slowly making my way through a guidebook -- circling the things I wanted to see, ignoring the things that I didn't care about so much.

I began to realize that the things I was planning my trip around...  they weren't necessarily the things that were most important to me. --  They were the things that were most important to other people...

Wouldn't it make more sense to plan our long hoped-for trip around the things that stirred me?

So I began again... but this time concentrating on the things that I wanted to see...

Maybe that happens a lot. Maybe we plan our hours and days and months around the things that others want us to do...  and somewhere in there, the things that we want get lost.

Maybe it's time we found them.

Friday, January 8, 2016

My Grand Plan for 2016

2015 didn't end easily.

Really, most of 2015 wasn't easy. My world unraveled a bit when my husband was injured in May, and even after the crisis was over, I don't think I ever quite got myself back together. So I have ended the year, reeling from a return of my depression and just trying to keep my head above water and all the balls in the air.

So. Many. Balls.

So... 2016 sort of started without me, almost.

I haven't really taken time to reflect on last year.
I didn't pick a Word.
I haven't thought about all the areas of my life and analyzed the crap out of them, like I normally do.

I have no resolutions.

Instead, I have this message for myself.

"Be kinder."

That's all.

To myself...
To the people around me...
To the people I love...
To the people I can't stand...
To the people who make me want to stick a fork in my eye.
Or theirs.
And twice to myself.

For, I promise, no one expects more from me than I do, and I disappoint no one as much as I disappoint myself.

So, this year, all I ask of myself is this...

Be kinder.

In every meaning of that word...  just be kinder.
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