I think that sometimes it's good to really know.
I found out how I really felt recently. I had a relationship that had petered out and I felt a lot of different ways about it... a lot of conflicting ways.
I had been sad.
I had been mad.
I had been indignant.
I had taken responsibility.
I had felt regrets.
And sometimes confusion.
Mostly, I was able to chalk it up to a relationship that I had gotten to have -- but that was now in the past. Most of the time, I was okay with that. I had healed. I was at peace.
But sometimes I wasn't... sometimes I was still confused and angry and hurt.
In a whimsical moment of nostalgia, I wrote to them. It wasn't a big thing... It was a "Hi, how are you?" sort of email. It opened a door if they wanted to answer it.
After I sent it, as soon as I sent it, I thought, "Was that really a door you wanted to knock on? Was that a door that you want to walk through or is it better if it stays closed?"
I sort of hoped that they wouldn't answer the email -- so that I wouldn't have to answer the question. If they didn't answer, it wasn't on me. I would be absolved of the choice.
But, they did. So I had to really think about it. Is this what I wanted?
I thought. I talked to someone. But I realized that I really didn't need advice - at least not from someone else. What I needed was to listen to myself. I needed to listen to my heart and decide if walking back through that door was where I wanted my path to go.
And, in the end... it wasn't. It was a relationship that I valued deeply while I was in it. But I had changed, and there were parts of it that I just didn't want back. I didn't want to feel the same way.
So, I closed the door. Politely, nicely, kindly. But, this time, I closed it with the knowledge that it wasn't meant to be part of my future... and I was deciding with my eyes open that I didn't want it to be.
And knowing that makes it possible for me to move on and leave behind the sad and the mad and the indignation and the regrets. I can finally let those go, and I can move into what the future holds without looking back and wishing.
I can move into the future with a head held high and be confident -- because now I know.