Saturday, September 26, 2015

Accepting What Is

Those closest to me could tell you that I'm not very good at letting go.

If I ever find myself in a situation where a relationship is dying, I just don't want to let go. I keep trying and trying and trying to make it work -- even when it's obvious to everyone around me that it just isn't going to.  Probably, a lot of that is because I'm so goshdarned stubborn.

I don't want to admit defeat.

I think it's more than just stubbornness, though. I guess I just don't like to give up on someone. I don't want to be the one to walk away...  because it isn't just a relationship I'm walking away from.  It's a person.  And perhaps because I struggle so much myself with feeling like I'm not "enough," I never want to be the cause of someone else feeling like they aren't enough.

Sometimes, though, I hang on long past the point of sanity. It gets to the point where we're more poison to each other as friends than we ever would have been if we had just said, "We're not really that good for each other anymore" and walked peaceably away.

Some people start out the year with picking a WORD for their year. I admire that, but always marvel at it. I can't quite figure out how anyone does it before the year even happens.  For myself, I often find myself looking BACK at a year and seeing a word or a concept come up over and over... and I'll know that was my word.

A couple years ago, it was "CHOICE."  Another year, it was "IDENTITY."

This year, as I look back, I think this year has been "ACCEPTANCE."

The beginning of the year, I walked through accepting people as they are... not expecting them to change for me.

The middle of the year, I walked through accepting my need to people please for what it is... and began to understand and internalize that not everyone was going to like me -- and how that wasn't a statement about who I was or about my self-worth.

Perhaps, now, I'm walking through accepting relationships for what they are. Sometimes that's pure beauty.  Sometimes that's relationships that are simply in need of my attention and my priority. And sometimes... that's relationships that have run their course and perhaps need to be accepted for having played their part.

And that's not defeat. That's just life.

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