Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Trusting Myself

I was walking through some friend-y strife a few weeks ago. So, on an evening run, I was listening to Christina Perri -- who is sort of my "having a hard time with people" go-to music. My best friend introduced me to her a couple years ago, and I really liked her first album. It's a little angst-y and fills my emotional needs when I'm struggling with people.

But I liked her second one even more. Sort of the same themes as her first...but the songs seem to speak much more to dealing with yourself after people struggles -- rather than just being mad and sad they exist.

I happened to be listening to her song "trust"... and I thought "This is exactly what I need tonight."

You see, I trust really easily. I don't really think of that as a flaw -- it's a choice that I make, and I make it knowing that it could backfire on me. I know that people can use that against me. But I don't want to be someone that's cynical -- and so I trust with the hope that people are worth it.

Because I want to be the kind of person who believes that they could be.

I have two people in my life that I've become friends with over the past months or years that were a risk to trust. They were people who were friends with someone that I knew really didn't like me -- and allowing them inside my heart and my confidence was a risk.  It was a risk that I knew could be extremely hurtful if it didn't turn out well.

But I want to be the kind of person who believes people could be worth it.

And so I risked...  and in these cases, I'm glad that I did. They have become friends and people that I enjoy talking to and spending time with.  And they wouldn't be if I hadn't been willing to trust -- even when it seemed unwise.

But sometimes that risk doesn't pan out.  Sometimes that risk breaks me. And somewhere in the brokenness, I whisper to myself, "You were wrong to trust. You were wrong to put yourself out there. You were wrong to let yourself care. This brokenness is your fault."

But I want to be the kind of person who believes people could be worth it.

So I think that voice is wrong.  Even when it feels right... I think it's wrong.

Yes. I might be hurt. And I might pay the price. But I am the kind of person who believes people are worth it.

So I trust.  Them.  But mostly, I keep learning to trust myself.

Because I am who I am -- and I think you're worth it.

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