Today, I am writing a pep talk for myself... but you are more than welcome to read along and take anything you want from it.
I have been reading some Brene Brown lately, and have been trying to embrace and act out more vulnerability. Maybe I should have waited until I'd actually finished one of these books or something. But partway through, I decided to try.
It involved talking with someone that I've been struggling with, someone I'd been hurt by. It meant being very open about those hurts, about how they made me feel, and they involved asking for something I needed. I'm a girl who secretly believes that if I ask for something, I've failed somehow... so that part was hard (and possibly not done with much finesse).
I guess it could have gone worse. It could have ended in a fight and mean words tossed back and forth. It didn't, and I guess I can be grateful for that. But it was the equivalent of pouring out your inner heart to someone and having them look at you blankly, shrug, and walk away like it didn't matter. Like you didn't matter.
This morning, I want to erase the whole thing. Not only do I want to erase it but I want to never do it again. If that's the result of being vulnerable, why would anyone do it?
But I'm here to tell myself that locking up is not the answer. Never trying again with anyone isn't the answer.
When someone shares a mess-up of some kind in Weight Watchers, we often ask, "So what did you learn?" It isn't a failure if you can learn from it. So I'm asking myself, "What did you learn?"
I learned that vulnerability can hurt.
I learned that maybe that person isn't the person who has earned me being vulnerable with them. They aren't the kind of person who can be trusted with it.
But what I know is that I definitely have people in my life who can be. I have people in my life who I can trust with my heart and know that they wont break it.
And if I close off my vulnerable points from the whole world because of one person, then I am robbing myself and them from beautiful opportunities to be there for each other.
So, no. I'm not going to erase what happened. And I'm not going to never do it again. I'm sorry that person couldn't understand my heart, but that doesn't mean I'm going to wrap it up and hide it away. That's their issue... not mine.