Tuesday, April 7, 2015

A Crisis of Faith: Part 3

Part 1 and Part 2 here of the story, in parts.

I began to feel frustrated.. both with other people and with myself.

It seemed like the answer to everything was just "have more faith" or "have better faith."  And that if you did that, then everything would be fine. But everything wasn't fine.

My life was more complicated than that. The lives of the people I cared for were more complicated. "Just have more faith" wasn't the answer I was looking for. It honestly wasn't enough.

In retrospect, I think I just wanted someone to be real with me. I wanted someone to say that it was okay to think that life sucked sometimes. I didn't want church-y answers. I wanted real ones. Answers that got down in the mud with me and helped me find the way out... instead of trite ones thrown which weren't a lot of help when I was in the trenches.

But, I couldn't find "real," at least not in the places that I was looking. And it ended up just making me mad. Every time I heard or read anything that was in that "trite" sphere, I just pushed it away. I pushed the people who said it away. And then I pushed... sort of everyone away.

I felt guilty that "have more/better faith" wasn't enough for me. Church-i-ly, it should have been, shouldn't it? It was obviously something wrong with me.  But... I didn't want anyone to know that. So I walled off....

If you build your walls high enough, no one can know what's behind them.

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