I had some surgery (light, I'm fine) on Friday so I've been swimming in a slight painkiller-fog all weekend. I tried to dig into some books that I got at the library but found that my brain just couldn't focus for very long.
A lot of the books I got focused on people pleasing. It was the closest thing I could find to what I feel I'm looking for (or that's gotten to the library so far). As I perused the opening chapters of the first one, I began to think that maybe it isn't really people pleasing that's my problem.
I do think that people pleasing is INVOLVED... but I don't think it's the main problem. It's a side effect. A result. I end up people pleasing... but I'm just as much a deliberate People Pisser Off as I am a People Pleaser. And I think that they're both rooted in caring too much what other people think.
That's where I feel I need to focus. Why do I let other people matter so much? Why do I let their beliefs (both about me and others) trump my own? I cognitively know and accept that not everyone is going to like everyone else, agree with everyone else, etc. Certainly, I know that I don't feel that way about everyone who's ever touched my life.
What is really going on when I can't let go of someone else's words? What is really going on when I alter my thoughts and my beliefs and my self to fit their needs and opinions?
I think that somewhere it's rooted in the beliefs and confidence (or lack thereof) I've had in myself.