I slept in yesterday and needed to add a walk to my day if I was going to keep up with my biggest competitors on Fitbit. So, I threw on a jacket, plugged in my headphones, and set of with my beagle for a little jaunt in the almost-rain before I ran out of sunlight.
To tell the truth, I was feeling sort of plucky. Happy to be outside. Happy to be by myself. Happy to have my music with me.
So I started singing along as I walked. At first, quietly.... but as I got more and more into it, I got less quiet. Encased in a world of Meghan Trainor, Miranda Lambert, Kacey Musgraves, and a stray My Chemical Romance track, I was happily dancing along to my own beat, ignoring the cars that drove by and just enjoying myself.
Eventually, my walk took me back into neighborhoods. With people. With people outside. With people outside close enough to hear me.
At first, if I noticed anyone outside, I quieted down. I either stopped singing or brought my volume down really low -- until I noticed myself doing it. I said to myself, "Hey! You're having a good time! What do you really care if someone hears you?"
So for the rest of the walk, I stopped quieting down. I just kept right on singing and bouncing, with a smile and a wave to whoever thought I was insane.
And I ended it happy. And also not arrested, so that was good.
I don't really know that I've tested this whole project well... Things like yesterday are good things and things that I'm happy to have pressed myself to do. I think that they are good exercises and that it's positive to push myself outside of my comfort zone.
At the same time, I know that it isn't these situations that are really my problem. It's not really the little "she's a little weird" looks that get to me... but the hatred that gets passed your way during the big things.
And in many ways, I've taken myself out of the big things. For several years, the big hurts have come from within a community that I have largely spent the past several weeks removing myself from. Not entirely -- I still have friends within it that I would not want to let go. But in many ways, I've removed myself from it... there are things that I just don't want to be involved with anymore, and I find that I don't care that much about the favor that we're all supposed to be currying.
But I think that's a good thing and a healthy thing... However, I feel that not putting myself in a position to hear the hateful things is not the same thing as not caring about the hateful things.