Friday, January 30, 2015

I'm Not Halfway

I am not a girl of reserve. I do things all the way. Busyness sometimes seeps in, for sure.  But... mostly, I'm simply all-in or I'm out.

Sometimes that's a hard way to be... in a world where many people aren't. Where reserve is prized and fervency is ridiculed...  being all-in is not necessarily something that other people aspire to. We recommend keeping pieces of ourselves back so that we don't get hurt or betrayed or used.

It's probably good advice. I would try to be like that... but... I wouldn't be me.

Do I get hurt being all-in?

yeah. I do. If protecting myself is the goal, not being a "halfway" girl isn't wise or prudent.

But I guess that protecting my heart isn't necessarily my goal. It's going to get broken, whether I'm halfway or not. Holding myself back? That just makes me less than who I was meant to be. Less than who I am.

Sometimes I want to apologize for that person.  I want to say that I know my fervency about the things and the people that I love isn't always the norm. It definitely doesn't make me cool.

But the truth is that I'm not sorry to be that person. I'm sorry that more people aren't.

I like being a girl who loves all the way without apology. I like being easily moved. I like going out of my way to meet people where they need to be met. I'm only sorry that I don't do more of it.

I cannot walk the line of halfway. I value the gifts too much that come because I'm willing to risk... and I'll take the hurt that comes when the risks don't play out. Because when I fall, I know I've fallen trying.

And that will never be failure. That's living.

I don't apologize or regret being me. I never will.

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