I've been a bit quiet here lately, I know. But I guess this is the place where you write out the things on your mind, isn't it? Even if they aren't settled out into pretty-sounding lessons yet? And even if it doesn't make a lot of sense?
Yes, I guess so.
I've filled a role with an organization for the past several years. It has always been a volunteer sort of position, though not one that came without compensation -- just not of a monetary kind. There were life lessons and growth, relationships, treasured experiences, and a whole lot of heart things... All things that I wouldn't give up in exchange for cash. I've never wanted to be paid... and it's not about that at all.
I was even offered more involvement awhile back... which I turned down for a number of reasons. I would have enjoyed part of it... but the parts that I wouldn't enjoy would have overshadowed the things I liked. and it just wasn't worth it to me. So I said no -- and that's not something that I regret.
My role has more or less come to an end. I said that I would do it until I wasn't needed anymore... and I'm not. So I just stopped doing it. There was no fanfare... I just stopped. And for the most part, that's been fine. I've had to hold back a few times from jumping in and helping... but have reminded myself that it really isn't my job anymore and that I can let someone else do it.
But I find that what knocks at my heart just a little bit is that there was no one to say Thank you. Thanks for staying... Thanks for putting up with it all... Thanks for taking the blows and saying the hard things and for understanding that people just needed someone to be mad at. Thanks for being a sounding board and a liaison and someone who tried to see both sides, even when you didn't agree.
Part of me knows that this is maybe a little unreasonable. I didn't even tell anyone that I was done. I signed up of my own accord, and no one really owes me anything. I was here because I loved what I was supporting.
So maybe all that I need is my own acknowledgement of those feelings... fair or not. Feelings don't always run by sense, do they? And it's okay that they do not. But even if they do not, it is also okay to feel them.