Saturday, September 20, 2014

CT Heritage: Testing the Crying Waters

I haven't watched a Celtic Thunder DVD since George died. I have avoided it, dreaded it. I was afraid to cry over one... but I think, just as much, I was afraid that I wouldn't. That somewhere in my private grieving, I would have put myself in a place where I couldn't grieve at all.

I finally decided on watching Heritage yesterday. I wanted to watch something... if nothing else, just to expose myself to it. I have a concert to go to in November. I don't want to fall apart in a live show. I really don't.

It's not like I watch the videos all the time anymore... In the beginning, I watched them a lot, of course. I was practically obsessed with Brothers in Arms and Caledonia! But my fervor has cooled over the years (and that's a healthy thing)... But I'll still put one on if I'm doing something where I am going to be stuck in one place for awhile -- matching socks or something. 

But once the spring happened... I just didn't.

I like Heritage though... it's a very sweet show and I love the duet component. 

And I was okay watching it... I choked up a little, but manageable. Until we got to Gold and Silver Days... and I was still okay! Teary, but okay. Until the end when Ryan claps George on the shoulder, and then I cried. I kept crying all through Neil's Noreen.

I managed to pull myself together for the rest of the show... and then Place in the Choir came on, and this got me worked up all over again-- but in a different way. I know... Who the heck cries over Place in the Choir??

Gold and Silver Days was grief... this was something different. This was the last show where everyone was together -- the original group. And this song, more than anything, looked like so much fun. Like the guys were having so much fun.

I don't know how much of that was real -- how much was a show for the crowd, and how much of it was authentic. How could I know that? But it LOOKED real. Like there was a camaraderie and a sense of family there. And more than anything, that left me feeling so nostalgic, and wistful for something that slips away.

And I stopped and cried for that loss.

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