Thursday, June 26, 2014

What do you really want?

I was on a walk with my daughter yesterday afternoon when she asked me, "Mom, what are you afraid of?"

I'm sure the answer she was looking for was the normal things that I would have said...  bears hunting me down for dinner, falling out of a roller coaster, getting run over by a car, horror films, etc.  because her answer was along the lines of "death, zombies, and horror games."  Giving that answer wouldn't have been untrue -- I'm scared (usually idiotically so) of those things, too.

But that wasn't what came out of my mouth.  After thinking about it a few minutes, I answered:

Having my trust broken
Being taken advantage of
Not knowing when I'm being lied to

Maybe they're not as death-inducing as the flesh-hungry bears... but they wrap my heart up in knots more. Maybe it's because I know that attack by bear is probably pretty unlikely, despite all my big talk.  But, my trust being broken, not being told the truth -- those feel almost like givens. Maybe because I know that I'm about as good at discernment as I would be at fending off a bear.

And I wish that this wasn't so.  I wish that these weren't so likely, and that I didn't have such a hard time dealing with them. But, they are and I do. Sometimes I wish that I was a harder person -- that I was less soft, less pliable, less trusting. That cynicism would protect me from trusting that which shouldn't be trusted. Maybe that would be easier.

But I wouldn't be me.

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