On Wednesday, I sat at the river's edge and I prayed that I could let the hurt go. And I did. I let it go. I breathed a sigh of relief and felt the weight lifted off my shoulders.
On Thursday, I remembered something they'd said, and the pain twisted in my heart all over again. I took a breath and I let it go. I breathed another sigh and felt the weight lifted off my shoulders.
On Friday, I scanned through my Twitter feed and saw that a tweet of theirs had been retweeted by a common acquaintance. Just seeing their name made everything flood back in anew. And as the tear wound its way down my cheek, I shook my head, took a breath, and let it go.
But with a little frustration.
I had done this the day before. And I had done it the day before that and the day before that and the day before that. When was it going to get easier?
Sometimes letting go is like that. It's not a choice that you make once. It's a choice that you make over and over again. The opportunity to pick it up rolls in front of your feet so often at first, and it's tempting. It's right there. You could just snag it with your fingertips and roll around in it some more.
You could let the bitterness seep back into your skin. No one would even have to know.
But you would know.
It would color all over again the way you see people, the way you see things, the way you see you. Healing is sometimes a slow process, and it requires us to let go, one moment at a time, until we can let go two moments at a time. And then three. And then half a day.... and so on. Eventually, we don't have to choose so often. Eventually, we really do let it go.
But in the beginning... in the beginning, we may have to choose to let go multiple times. That doesn't make you a Letting Go failure. It just means this is hard -- and it is. It is hard. You're going to take a lot of breaths, and the you're going to shed a lot of weights off your shoulders. And you're going to have to choose a lot of times.
But, my darling, keep choosing. The road to healing can be a hard one, but the road through bitterness is worse.