I woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to be where I was. I'd become someone different than who I wanted to be. I had been through experiences that were just hard and hurtful. I had made mistakes. I had felt manipulated. I was disappointed and hurt and didn't know how to escape the past that haunted me.
It was the past that kept popping up as I tried to heal. Sometimes that past was things that I did and things that I said. Things I regretted. But sometimes that past was things that others had done and said. Things that still hurt. Things I was still trying to get over.
How do you get over a past that won't let you go?
I think that the first thing you have to do is to stop running away from it. They say that if you're attacked by a bear, you're pretty screwed. But, then they say that the worst thing you can do is to try to run from it. You can't outrun a bear. It's a bear. It can run faster than you! And it will catch you and knock your head off with one strong blow. The past can be the same. You can't outrun it. It will catch you, and it will eat you.
So, sometimes the best thing is to just stop and face it. Turn around and look at what has happened. Look at the things you've said that you wish you could take back. Look at the things that were done to you. Look at how they made you feel. Look at how they're still making you feel.
Be honest about those things. Don't gloss over mistakes, but don't sugarcoat others' offenses against you either. Be honest and accept what happened.
Because the past happened. For good or for bad, it happened, and you can't change that. You can't go back and not say things. You can't go back and not trust people. It is what it is. But you can't heal it until you accept it.
Honestly, this may hurt and that's probably the hardest part. Facing those things... it's like ripping a bandage off your skin and pouring antiseptic on an infected wound. It's not pretty and it hurts and you want to do just about anything else. But, cleaning the wound is the first step toward healing it.
So, we start here. With honesty, with acceptance, with truth.