I feel hurt by the things you have done and I don't always know what to do with that.
I should be able to forgive you. I know that. It's been a long time. I should be able to let these things go by now. Yet some days, they still hurt. They hurt because of the things you said. And they hurt because of the things you did. They hurt because of the things you didn't say and do. They hurt because of the relationship we shared, and the betrayal that it was.
I should be able to let them go.
Some days, I absolutely believe that I have. I've put the past behind me, I've begun a new chapter, I've turned over a new leaf. I've made a choice to not let your past choices affect me so much, to not let the things you think about me cloud the way I think about me. And I am certain that I've been successful in those choices on those days.
But, other days, when I least expect it, I'm faced with the knowledge that I'm wrong. That I haven't let the past go, and that it's still there. That there's something in me that just can't figure out how let it go. There's something in me that still feels that hurt.
And even while I know that I should be able to forgive and that I should be able to let it all go, I know too that it's okay that it's hard to do that. It's okay that this is slow. It's okay that there is backsliding. It's okay that I'm not as strong as I wish I was.
It still hurts. Someday, I'll figure out what to do with that.