Tuesday, April 9, 2013

H is for Hurt

I feel hurt by the things you have done and I don't always know what to do with that.

hurt heartI should be able to forgive you. I know that. It's been a long time. I should be able to let these things go by now.  Yet some days, they still hurt.  They hurt because of the things you said. And they hurt because of the things you did. They hurt because of the things you didn't say and do. They hurt because of the relationship we shared, and the betrayal that it was.

I should be able to let them go.

Some days, I absolutely believe that I have. I've put the past behind me, I've begun a new chapter, I've turned over a new leaf. I've made a choice to not let your past choices affect me so much, to not let the things you think about me cloud the way I think about me. And I am certain that I've been successful in those choices on those days.

But, other days, when I least expect it, I'm faced with the knowledge that I'm wrong. That I haven't let the past go, and that it's still there. That there's something in me that just can't figure out how let it go.  There's something in me that still feels that hurt.

And even while I know that I should be able to forgive and that I should be able to let it all go, I know too that it's okay that it's hard to do that. It's okay that this is slow. It's okay that there is backsliding. It's okay that I'm not as strong as I wish I was.

It still hurts. Someday, I'll figure out what to do with that.

10 comments:

  1. Sometimes, with one specific situation, I feel as if I can't let go of the pain because I don't let go of the wishful thinking. Wishing things were different. Wishing they cared more. Wishing pride hadn't caused so much crazy. It's hard for me to let go of the wishing, and when i realize the wishing will never happen, that's when I experience the hurt again.

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    1. I know what you mean... but we can't live there in that limbo of "I wish" and "if only." That robs us of our ability to live forward in the now. I know the wishing. I DO. But to get the wishing, would you be willing to sacrifice what you've learned and who you are?

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  2. Everyday is new, Everyday it's different. Live it to the fullest. The hurt will be there, but as you live life and discover joy in small things, that will surely make up for it. Fill your day with so much happiness that you don't have time for the hurt.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words... That's very good advice. And most days, you're right, the day is filled up with so much good that I don't have time for the hurt. :)

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  3. Oh, friend! I so understand this! It was bound to happen at some point- my "H" post is on hurts too!!! I love this writing to my children, because it is really a message to myself in so many ways. Much love to you as you continue to walk this path of life and may you find your healing in our great God (over and over again)!

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    1. Thanks darling... And I totally get what you mean about writing to your kids and yourself at the same time. It's very cathartic.

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  4. Hugs to you today. Memories can often hurt as much as when we first experience the betrayal. I pray that this is another step towards healing and release.

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    1. Thank you, Amy... baby steps, I suppose. :)

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  5. We can sometimes be paralyzed by the hurt that we have experienced and the memories that we still feel. We have to live each day as if it were the last day, take a look in the hurt and see what gift could be hidden within the depth, an insight to our strenght and resiliance, our bravery, our determination and our testimony as we have come out the other end and can be a comfort to someone else who has gone through a similar experience. I have listed your blog on my 'I' post today, blessings, Amanda

    Amanda - Realityarts-Creativity
    Art Blog

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    1. I like that idea of living each day as if it were the last day. I wonder if internalizing that approach would help to put the hurt in the "does this REALLY matter?" sort of category. Thank you for your visit!

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