Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Forgiving When It Just Hurts

I lost something that meant something to me yesterday.  In the quest to find it (which mostly consisted of cleaning out my desk drawers), I found a notebook in which I'd written my goals and plans for Fall of last year, possibly the year before?  It's not dated, so I'm not positive.

  • Send the kids back to school (Done)
  • Get organized before Christmas (Sort of done)
  • Find your inner cowgirl at the Brad Paisley concert (SO done)
  • Enjoy lots of football at Autzen (Done with finesse!)
  • Enjoy the Celtic Thunder season (Done. Hush your face, Amy!)
  • Be proud of of who and what you are (Done, I think...)
  • Start a blog (Oh done.)
  • A class for me (I THINK this is before I started linedancing, so done.)
  • Forgive what needs forgiving and move on...  (Crap.)
I don't have any magic words for you today, friends.  I still struggle with this.  Not the same way I did... It's not daily.  I have lots of days where I can find forgiveness and I can find kindness and I can find patience and I can find the strength to let hurts go.  On those days, I think "I am all better now. I can do this. This is NO PROBLEM."

But I also still have days where I can't. I have days where I deeply miss the friendships that have been lost. I wonder if they were even real. I have days where the hurt is still so acute, it was like it happened yesterday.  I have days where it's like someone walks up to me, goes "Huh... I wonder what this knife is doing here and what would happen if I gave it a big strong twist?"  Those days are crippling. Those days make me want to crumple in a heap and cry out, "I give! I give!" (And possibly punch the person who did the twisting in the face.)

I don't know what to tell you about those days.  I guess we just have to get through them.  On those days, I always tell myself, "Hang on, it will be better soon.  But, remember that if you do something out of pain today, you will have to deal with the repercussions tomorrow.  Think before you open your mouth."  Which is a little funny since I almost never think before opening my mouth!

If you're there, I'm sorry.  Deeply deeply sorry. I know it hurts and it's suffocating.  Just hang on.  

It'll be better tomorrow. Even if just for tomorrow.


  1. Thanks I swear your writing this for me .... I have this one friend okay maybe two...okay maybe a couple where not only did they stab my back they made it look so easy to walk away from me.


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