It's been a long week.
I took my kids out to dinner last night after I cancelled our impromptu trip to the beach due to insane traffic. Over sushi and Chinese, I apologized to them for being so preoccupied.
"What does 'preoccupied' mean?" my daughter Casey asked.
I opened my mouth to give a definition, but my youngest daughter interrupted and said, "I think it means 'cranky.'"
THAT kind of week.
On the one hand, I have a friend in the hospital seriously ill, which I think I mentioned earlier in the week. That's been a boatload of stress, just from the waiting and worrying and everything that has gone with that.
a very good friend of mine, which brought dual emotional chargers. On the one hand, there was just the flood of memories that this week always brings and the sorrow of losing her and just everything. But, I was also doing something new this year... deliberately. And I was nervous about it.
Last year, I realized that I didn't want to celebrate her death anymore, and I gave myself permission to let her go. I do a few things throughout the year in memory of her... like making a big deal of my birthday and wearing a tiara around all day. People think that's weird, but it makes me happy to do it and think of her. The day she died sucked. The days leading up to her death sucked. I don't want to celebrate that anymore.
I feel confident in believing that's okay. But... I also felt like I was the only one of our friends to feel this way, being done with the death anniversary. And even while I decided that I really wasn't going to say much about it, I worried that people would think my lack of acknowledgement meant that I don't still love her and that I don't still miss her. Because that isn't true. I do. I miss her very much. And so it just made me feel very alone.
I do miss you, Nattie... and I will see you on July 27th.
So, here's to a better week.