I took my kids out to dinner last night after I cancelled our impromptu trip to the beach due to insane traffic. Over sushi and Chinese, I apologized to them for being so preoccupied.
"What does 'preoccupied' mean?" my daughter Casey asked.
I opened my mouth to give a definition, but my youngest daughter interrupted and said, "I think it means 'cranky.'"
THAT kind of week.
On the one hand, I have a friend in the hospital seriously ill, which I think I mentioned earlier in the week. That's been a boatload of stress, just from the waiting and worrying and everything that has gone with that.
Last year, I realized that I didn't want to celebrate her death anymore, and I gave myself permission to let her go. I do a few things throughout the year in memory of her... like making a big deal of my birthday and wearing a tiara around all day. People think that's weird, but it makes me happy to do it and think of her. The day she died sucked. The days leading up to her death sucked. I don't want to celebrate that anymore.
I feel confident in believing that's okay. But... I also felt like I was the only one of our friends to feel this way, being done with the death anniversary. And even while I decided that I really wasn't going to say much about it, I worried that people would think my lack of acknowledgement meant that I don't still love her and that I don't still miss her. Because that isn't true. I do. I miss her very much. And so it just made me feel very alone.
I do miss you, Nattie... and I will see you on July 27th.
So, here's to a better week.
(((hugs))) I probably wouldn't have done anything if it hadn't been for facebook. I fell to peer pressure and you were stronger. ;D
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what to say, except I've been thinking about you a lot this week - I think you're doing pretty good, ignore that cranky comment lol. Love you.
ReplyDeleteWell, they weren't wrong! LOL
DeleteThank you... you know you mean the world to me.
I'm sorry you had such a tough week - and hoping you are having a restful weekend. I think you are so right in giving yourself permission to move ahead with your life. There's simply no choice and we can still love those who went before us.
ReplyDeleteMary oxo
I think it's great to remember your very dear friend on your birthday which would probably mean much more to her and show your love in a very special way.
ReplyDeleteThis is so inspiring. Your friends and family will understand. That's what loved ones do.
ReplyDeleteThank you... I hope so. :)
DeleteDeath is, without question, the worst part of life.
ReplyDeleteA few weeks back I saw a message somewhere on a message board, and someone who has been losing weight (and is healthy) was getting lots of "Are you sick" type questions. For weeks he assured everyone he was fine, and then one day out of the blue, he shaved his head just to shock everyone and make them wonder.
He got a lot of "That's not funny, my dad died of Cancer" type responses, but I think it's because when we mourn loss, we say it's out of respect and reverence for the dead, but I don't think it is. Or rather, I don't think it's necessary. Would your friend WANT you to feel bad once a year for them? No, I think you have the right of it.
How we choose to remember needs to be about our own healing, not about continuous mourning. Do what your friend would enjoy seeing you do, because grieving is, I'm sure, not it.
And hey, what's wrong with being cranky? We all deserve to be now and then, things are tough! :)
LOL I have to admit... your story about your friend made me laugh out loud when I read it. Maybe a little mean, but funny.
DeleteThank you so much for taking the time to write such kind words... I really appreciate it.
I think you're remembering your friend in a way she'd appreciate. At some point we have to remember the good times instead of the bad. And we have to allow ourselves to heal. I hope your friend who's in the hospital improves.
ReplyDeleteA good friend I met online killed herself at the ripe old age of 42 on Christmas Eve. It broke my heart because she had tried to call me an hour before she blew her brains out. I suffered with guilt for years. I celebrated her life online, wrote countless of post about it --- but in my suffering I realized I was very angry at her. Not only at the way she chose to leave us, but also that she did on Christmas' Eve. I had to get professional help to see me through the dark time, and my counselor suggested that I find a more positive way of handling my grief and guilt. So instead of crying and wondering what I could have done to stop her, I started doing some special for her beloved children.
ReplyDeleteMy friend was a wonder poet and photographer, so I would chose one of her upbeat poems and a beautiful photo and send it to the kids a few days before Christmas' Eve. Some thought I was being morbid, but it's been four years now, and those beautiful children sent me an email to let me know how much they appreciated it. They told me it had helped them remember the good times. I eventually compiled all her poems and sent them to the children, because they did not have all of them.
I was happy I found a different way of mourning my friend and by doing something positive helped me and her children. Now that I have sent them all the poems I can move on knowing that I have done my best and I no longer feel guilty I was not there to answer the phone.
You did well, and it's good to let go. It's very healthy and I am sure your friend would want that for you.
Also, there are times, being old, when being cranky is very healthy, as long as it does not keep us too preoccupied. Needless to say I enjoyed this post. Thank you for sharing it.