Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I'm Glad I... Learned to Cry
...Learned to Cry...
I used to hate to cry.
I can remember having fights with my dad as a teenager, and fighting so hard not to cry. But, I would always fail... and then he would win the power struggle or the debate or the whatever-it-was. My emotions would always betray me and I felt weak.
I would watch movies with my friends, and invariably I would find tears streaming down my face. Sure, that made sense at the romantic climax, but then sometimes I'd find a particular line that struck me straight through the heart, and I'd find myself crying at that, too. It became a "thing," you know, and something I was embarrassed about. Why couldn't I control my tears? I just got made fun of, and I hated them.
And then I grew up.
Years later, I still can't control my tears. A book, a movie, a song. A TV show, a commercial. The older couple at the next table at the mall. The thought of losing someone I love, and the thought of getting them back. They all end in tears. Not tears of sadness necessarily, just tears of emotion. I've cried at The Simpsons, for heavens sake.
I can't control them, but I've learned to embrace them. Even as my children peer at me through the darkened movie theater at every barely-poignant moment and then whisper "Mom's crying again," I've learned to embrace the quickness to tears as a part of me.
I've accepted that I just feel deeply, that my emotions are easily triggered. I will never be a great debater, my heart falls into it all much too easily. But I am who you want if you have a book to sell, a movie to produce, or music to hawk.
I don't mind crying now. Granted, it means I go through a lot of mascara and a lot of kleenex. But it is a small price to pay for knowing my heart is still alive and kicking.