I'm An Excellent Driver!

Not even in the driveway.

It all started with a minor crash.  Not even that.  It was a bump.  A TAP, even. I had just had a weekend full of houseguests and I was down to two of them.  Before they went home, we planned to go out to lunch. So, we all piled into my van.

Now, instead of the driveway sloping down away from my house, our driveway actually slopes down TOWARD the house. What this means is that I often have a very large blindspot when I'm backing out of my driveway.  My normal technique is to check for playing children, say a quick prayer, and hope I don't run anyone over.

I don't know what happened on this day.  When we got into the car, I noted that my friend, Lisa, had parked with her car jutted just far enough into the driveway that I was going to have to carefully maneuver around it to get out.  Not a problem, I could do that.  Well, then someone couldn't figure out how to close the sliding door and I hopped out to fix it.  Somewhere in between "I need to maneuver around this car" and "I will fix the door," I... forgot the car was there.  Completely. Forgot.

So, remember I can't actually see it!  I feel like this somehow excuses what is about to happen.  I started backing straight out, like I always do.  Lisa is in the back seat, quietly going "Jo.  Jo.  JO!"  At this last call for attention, I realized this was more than a "Jo, I want to tell you how awesome you are" and more of "OH MY GOD, What are you doing?"  Unfortunately... this particular "JO!" came a second too late, because it was followed quickly by a "BAM!"  Ok, not a bam.  A... tap.  TAP!!!!!

Yes, I backed into my best friend's car.

The thing is... I didn't stop there.  Once I started backing into things, it's like I JUST COULDN'T STOP.

I backed into my mom's trash cans.  I backed over Lisa's (again) lawn chair. (To my credit, it was folded up on the driveway, and I literally drove completely over it, and didn't touch it at all with my tires... so it's almost like it doesn't count.)  I almost hit a deer.  I drove over a boulder.  A BOULDER.

I just... forgot it was there.  This seems to be a common theme, now that I think about it.  I parked across the street from this house we were visiting.  In the gravel, the people that owned this house had placed a large decorative (but boulderish in size) rock, and I drove up until my car was very close to the rock to allow for more people to park behind me.  When we parked at said house for the class party, I said to myself, "Self...  when you leave the party in a hurry to get Child #2 to softball, you need to remember that this boulder is here.  Because it will hurt your car and then you will be sad."

Of course, by the time I got the kids all corralled, it was later than I had intended to leave, and I was in even more of a hurry to get to softball practice than I had expected.  And there was absolutely NO remembering of the very large boulder in front of my car.  NONE.  I threw the car into "Drive" and rolled forward.  This would have worked fine if someone hadn't come out and made the boulder even BIGGER in my absence!!! And it DID work fine until I heard "CRUUUUUUUUUUUNCH."

And you know what?  Except for that part where the plastic is bent away from the car frame... oh, and maybe that dent in the license plate, you can't even tell!!!

*sigh*  Even Rain Man is a better driver than I am.  That's sad, folks.