6. I am making my time count.
I am at least trying, that's for sure. I feel like I've written about this recently...
It was not long ago that I realized two important things:
- I can't do everything and I can't please everyone.
- I was giving importance to some things that didn't deserve it, and stripping importance from things that did.
I needed to really internalize the former, and address the latter. I spent a lot of time thinking about the things in my life that I wasn't giving their rightful place in my priorities, and what things I was putting on top of everything else that made the whole list seem off-kilter.
*sigh* This isn't working, talking in vague generalities.
I wanted my time to count. I don't want to get to 40, 50, 60, 70 years old, only to look back and realize I frittered it all away on nothing and things that don't matter. Lists help me think sometimes, so I made a list of everything that was in my life, everyone that was in my life. I wrote down everything I was devoting energy to, and everything I WANTED to devote energy to. And then, I took a really hard look at it and asked, "What is important to you? What is really important to you? What things are you going to make your priorities?"
So, I kept my faith. I slid my family and my children back up toward the top. I embraced my writing and my dreams. I thought about those friends and peers who are closest to me. But, choosing the things that were most important to me really wasn't the hard part.
I want do everything. I want to please everyone. Granted, I suck at it. But I want to. So, when situations arose where the maybe-not-as-crucial things threatened to usurp the place of, say, my family... I struggled. I still struggle. It's not that I wanted to take my family out of their place. It's that it was really hard to say "No" to the other things. Sometimes it was just that I missed the pleasure I got out of the things I had to say "No" to. Sometimes it was that you get punished for saying "No."
I don't know... maybe I just lack finesse in making the changes in such a way that they don't affect anyone but me. But, even when the road is a bit bumpy, I feel oddly confident that this is the right thing to do. Priorities needed to be realigned. Changes needed to be made. They still do. I haven't made them all. I still fight against some of them, even when I know in my heart that they need to be made and waiting for me to make them.
But I want my time to count. I want my life to count.
Our changes DO affect others, both positively and negatively. Whenever we say yes to something we are invariably saying no to something else, and it can be hard. Just tonight I had to say no to a friend's art gallery opening in order to spend time with the family. And it was hard. And I still wonder if I made the right decision. Because, honestly, the gallery only opens today and my family will always be there. But THAT "my family will always be there" is NOT the right thought process. And changing it is hard. And my friend will be affected. But hopefully as a friend she will understand. So, I applaud you and cheer you, and I know how very brave you have had to be in order to make these changes. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI have two things I do to make my life count: 1. Prioritize and 2. Make a list.
ReplyDeleteyes, I find lists very good to follow... as soon as I stop doing them, I fall behind and become depressed, because I think there is soo much to do, and I'm getting nowhere. With lists I see progress, and it's very positive to know that you are moving!
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