6. I am making my time count.
I am at least trying, that's for sure. I feel like I've written about this recently...
It was not long ago that I realized two important things:
- I can't do everything and I can't please everyone.
- I was giving importance to some things that didn't deserve it, and stripping importance from things that did.
I needed to really internalize the former, and address the latter. I spent a lot of time thinking about the things in my life that I wasn't giving their rightful place in my priorities, and what things I was putting on top of everything else that made the whole list seem off-kilter.
*sigh* This isn't working, talking in vague generalities.
I wanted my time to count. I don't want to get to 40, 50, 60, 70 years old, only to look back and realize I frittered it all away on nothing and things that don't matter. Lists help me think sometimes, so I made a list of everything that was in my life, everyone that was in my life. I wrote down everything I was devoting energy to, and everything I WANTED to devote energy to. And then, I took a really hard look at it and asked, "What is important to you? What is really important to you? What things are you going to make your priorities?"
So, I kept my faith. I slid my family and my children back up toward the top. I embraced my writing and my dreams. I thought about those friends and peers who are closest to me. But, choosing the things that were most important to me really wasn't the hard part.
I want do everything. I want to please everyone. Granted, I suck at it. But I want to. So, when situations arose where the maybe-not-as-crucial things threatened to usurp the place of, say, my family... I struggled. I still struggle. It's not that I wanted to take my family out of their place. It's that it was really hard to say "No" to the other things. Sometimes it was just that I missed the pleasure I got out of the things I had to say "No" to. Sometimes it was that you get punished for saying "No."
I don't know... maybe I just lack finesse in making the changes in such a way that they don't affect anyone but me. But, even when the road is a bit bumpy, I feel oddly confident that this is the right thing to do. Priorities needed to be realigned. Changes needed to be made. They still do. I haven't made them all. I still fight against some of them, even when I know in my heart that they need to be made and waiting for me to make them.
But I want my time to count. I want my life to count.