2011 In Review

I'll be honest.  When I first started thinking of my year in 2011, I thought of a good deal of hurt.  Under the surface, I'm not sure this was the easiest year I've ever had.  There were lots of different "me"s fighting with each other over what was and what should be and what was to come.  A lot of onion-peeling, if you will.  So, when I first started thinking about the year, this is where my mind went... to that hurt. But do you really want to remember a year that way?

So I dug deeper.  And when I did, I found that there was so much more in my year than I initially remembered, and it's made 2011 a year to be proud of living.

I got a dog who has become a much-loved and completely-spoiled part of our family.
I read a bunch of good books.
I learned to linedance.
I took a lot of trips with my best friend and never once saw the sunset. (Here's to 2012!!!)
I saw more concerts (and more varied!) than I've ever seen in one year.
I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary.
I started writing again.
I watched a LOT of college football.
I discovered a new guilty pleasure in Once Upon A Time (marathon January 1st at 4pm on ABC!!)

I saw my family often, enjoying quality time with my folks, and my two sisters.
I rediscovered old music that I still love but hadn't listened to for a long time.
I made a lot of good memories with my kids.
I lost my grandpa.

I dealt with hurt and disappointment, both new and old.
I was convicted of things I was allowing myself to do
I listened to the people who loved me enough to say No
I found my self-respect
I grew in strength and wisdom

That's more than just hurt...  that's a year full of goodness.

May I be able to say the same of 2012...

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Just a quick post today, as I'm just about out the door with things to do...

After months of people telling me, "Read this read this read this," I finally bought, opened, read, and finished The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

I liked it...    For the four people that haven't read it yet, I won't spoil it for you.  But I liked it.  I wouldn't call it a happy read...  it was hurtful to read.  It made my heart hurt for what some of the characters went through.  It wasn't even so much that I was that connected to the characters.  But, as you read, you know that these things happen to real people every day.  And that's what makes your heart hurt.  Or, at least, mine.

It was well-written, though, so I enjoyed it.  I had to make myself go to bed  when it was revealed who the bad bad guy was.  It was 3am and I was up by myself and there was no one up to protect me!!

My only beef might possibly be the last 100 pages, which seemed completely needless.  Yes, there was that one major loose end that needed too be tied up.  But, honestly, I couldn't have cared less about that part of the story.  The really enjoyable part was the murder mystery, and once that got wrapped up, he could have just tied off the story and I would have been fine.  I kept waiting for something exciting to happen in that last 100 pages, and that what I had THOUGHT was the climax was really just a precursor.  But... nope.  Last 100 pages was just sort of endless prattling over some business guy I was completely not invested in.

Other than that, it was good, though...  if you haven't read it yet, give it a go.  :)

New Year's Goal Setting

New Year's Resolutions.  New Year Goals.  Plans, bucket lists, Thing to Do Before I Die.  May as well keep it un-morbid.

Making plans for the new year, in one form or another, is something that will occupy many of us in the next week.  The very concept of a new year seems to lend us a time to figure out all the things we want to do better and try to fix them in one fell swoop, full of motivation and verve.

I actually do this about three times a year, give or take.  January 1st.  June 15th, and September 1st.  In effect, it can sometimes feel like a futile activity.  Many years, I've lined out complex plans to achieve the 20+ goals I've set out for myself that have completely gone by the wayside by April.  Was the goal-setting then pointless?

I think no.

There's something almost comforting about taking a break from the doing and participating in just a little bit of self-examination.  What have I done wrong in the last year, and what have I done right?  What do I have in my life that I want to keep, and what do I have that I want to get rid of?  Where can I cull and where do I want to add?  What are the things that I'd like to get better at, and what are the things that I'd like to get worse at?

It takes different forms in different years... sometimes it's a grand to-do list.  Sometimes, it's nothing more than a vague theme.  But, it's always something, and I don't think it's pointless, even if I don't stick with it for the whole year.  For those days or weeks or months that I DO, I've got a plan and a direction.  I've slowed down long enough to take stock of who I am, where I am, and where I'm going.  I've turned around, gotten my bearings, and set off on the right course.  And maybe in a few months, I'll turn around and realize I've veered off the path I want to be on once again.  There will be time, then, to again turn around and get my bearings.

But, for now, I'm setting off on the way I want to go.  I think there's point in that.

Let it go...

Last week, I took a trip to Wenatchee to pick some things up from my step-grandmother, Pat.  My girls sat in the house watching iCarly and not breaking anything, while I went out to the garage/office/thing to gather the things I'd come to pick up. 

Maybe she's just old and lonely, I don't know.  But as we rifled through things, she was talking about things that happened in the past.  Years and years ago, there had been some sort of legal/money trouble related to some dealings they'd had with my mom's cousin...  20 years ago, maybe?

As I offered the listening ear and the "smile and nod," I just thought about how sad that all was.  It was clearly something that she, and perhaps my grandfather when he was still alive, was still upset over, still went over and over in their heads, drumming up new anguish and indignation over.  I don't know enough about the situation to know who's right and who's wrong, but in the end... I'm not sure it really mattered 20 years later.

In fact... I'm sure it didn't, and it just seemed so unfortunate that it was still something that needed venting so long after it happened.

But don't a lot of us do the same thing? Someone wrongs us, someone's mean to us, someone does something that is so heinous that we don't think we can forgive it... and we don't ever let it go.  Every time the pain or the anger of it starts to fade, we do something, think something, say something that stirs it all back up again.  That kind of thing can eat away at your soul... eat away who you are, erode the good parts of you until you're just left with a shell of bitterness where a person with a good heart used to reside.

Sometimes we just have to let things go.  Otherwise, they will strangle and drown us.

Peach Pie

"Baby, would you like some pie?" My voice had suddenly dipped into a Southern drawl... sort of a mix of Forrest Gump, the ladies of Steel Magnolias, and all my Southern girlfriends.

"Mom," Alicia looked at me with alarm.  "Mom, we're in public."

"There is a pie place over there and I just bet you that we could find us some peach pie," I said as we turned in the direction of the pie stall at the mall's food court.

"Mom... no Clarice in public."

"Child, have I ever told you about my dearly departed husband, Billy Bob?"

"Yes," her eyes darted around, making sure there was no one she could possibly know within earshot. "He got eaten by piranhas."

"Lawsy yes....  I done TOLD him that he wasn't to go swimming in that Amazon River, but did he listen to me?  No.  No, he did not....  why, look!!  They DO have peach pie!  I tell you what, I make the BEST peach pie east of the Mississippi River, did I ever tell you that?  Our neighbor boy, Jimmy... he could eat four of 'em in just one sitting!  Would you like some PEACH PIE?"

Now she was laughing...  "Mom... you are so funny."

Better to give...

They say it's better to give than to receive.

We bought a lot of presents this year.

A soda-making machine, movies, video games, clothes, make-up, beer, software, computer equipment, music, plus a whole host of things for our extended families which are yet to be opened...

Do you know which gift's response I'm happiest about?

I'm delighted that the DOG has taken so well to the new cuddly bed I bought her to nap in.

The dog.

Letter from Santa

To the Haagenson girls...

What a bounty of goodies you left for me and the reindeer!  First of all, thanks so much for the cookies.  I really liked the sprinkles you put in the milk... it was very Christmas-y!  Rudolph asked me to make sure you knew how much he liked the carrot cupcakes.  He gets so very tired of carrots at every house.  The change of pace, and the cream cheese frosting especially, was very much appreciated.  Thanks to you for thinking off my other reindeer and leaving cupcakes for them, too.  Sometimes Rudolph does get a little cocky and steals all the limelight.  They're all team players, so they don't complain too much.  But, I think that it does get to them every once in a while when they do just as much work.  To put your concerns at ease, however, please let me assure you that his nose IS real.  Not just a clown nose and a flashlight.

McKenzie, I'm very impressed with how hard you've been working this year to get better at things in school.  I know how hard it is for you to remember everything you're supposed to be doing, and especially to concentrate on your handwriting.  You did a very nice job on the letter you left for me, thanks for taking so much care! I know things have been a little hard and lonely for you lately, but have faith and things will start getting better soon.  You are a very sweet young lady with a very big heart.  And a creative one, at that!  I hope you'll be able to use the gifts I left for you to create something amazing.

Casey, how tall and grown-up you're getting!  It seems like just yesterday I was bringing you baby socks and now you wear bigger shoes than your mom!  You've been working so hard this year to do well in school, and your grades show that.  Always remember, though... it's not the grade on the paper that counts, but simply that you tried your best.  I've been very impressed with how hard you've been working to show your parents that you're responsible.  You've done a lot of chores around the house without being asked, and have been much more responsible about the dog I brought you, and that means a lot to your parents, and to me.  By the way, how is that dog doing?  Have you enjoyed having her?

Alicia, last but not least...  Well, I would commend you on how tall you're getting, but you're still rather leprechaun-sized, aren't you?  Never fear... all my work at the North Pole is done by elves, and I always say that great things can come in small packages.  You, too, have been doing some great things to help out your mom and dad at home, and it's really nice to see so much responsibility in someone so young.  Keep up the good work!  I really like how you're always doing your homework as soon as you get home from school.  It's very smart to get that done and out of the way so you have the rest of the day to relax.  I was relieved to find out that you already had the Justin Bieber Christmas CD, as I didn't really want to have to give up my own copy... but I think I might have managed to find some other things you might be interested in.  That Mistletoe song he sings is pretty cool, and he has awesome hair.  I've tried to learn how to flip my hair the way he does so Mrs Claus will make me more cookies... but so far, it isn't working very well.  Do you think he'd give me some lessons?

I hope you girls have a good Christmas, and that you remember to be good for your mom and dad.  Stop fighting in the car, I can see you!  Be nice to your dog and nice to each other...

Merry Christmas!

Till next year,
Santa Claus
North Pole

Merry Christmas Eve...

"I have these presents to buy and I have to go to the grocery store and there's going to be lines out the door and I have to make cookies and I have to clean the house and... and I'm just so tired!!!" The weariness could be heard in my friend's voice as we talked on the phone.

"Hey," I tried to console.  "It's going to be okay.  What is really important?"

"What?"

"You're going to be together, right?  You're going to be with your family, and everyone's going to be together having a good time, and it really doesn't matter what presents are under the tree, or which cookies you forgot to make, or if there's six different side dishes.  What matters are the memories you're making."

"I know, but..."

"No buts.  Relax and go take a nap...  what doesn't get done probably didn't need to be done that badly, anyway."

This gets so busy.  SO BUSY.  And I've been busy too, rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off.  Woefully unprepared for our normal festivities...  I told a friend the other day that sometimes, on Christmas... while we're all running around like crazy people...  I imagine a young teenage mother... alone.  I see her sitting in a rocking chair, with her new baby wrapped up in a little blanket, just willing him to go to sleep.  Scared and confused, frightened by what she's done, overwhelmed by the responsibility she's suddenly taken on, and I want to whisper in her ear, "I think you're the only of us who gets it."

So tonight, as you're headed off to church, wrapping the last presents and putting the finishing touches on the pumpkin pie, as you wait for Santa and worry about who you might have forgotten, as you fuss over the ham and the stockings and worry about whether Uncle Bob will get in a fight with Grandpa Bert again...

Remember what's important about Christmas.

Relax and make some memories...

Bravery

I don't remember what the action was, but I remember what was said afterward.  Casey had done something which required stepping outside of her comfort zone.

I took her aside and told her, "I want you to know that I'm really proud of you for what you did.  It was very brave, and that's a big deal."

"Mom, I wasn't brave at all," she protested. "I was really scared to do it."

"Baby, being brave isn't about not being afraid. Being brave is about being afraid but doing what you're afraid of, anyway.  The fact that you were scared doesn't make you not-brave.  But the fact that you did it EVEN THOUGH you were afraid?  That makes you brave."

It takes strength of mind and heart and a core of faith to step over what we are afraid of to get to the other side.  It's a lot easier to play over on this side of the fear... fear of the unknown, fear of reaction, fear of the dragon waiting for us.  It's safer.  We know what's over here and it requires nothing from us.

But facing the fear and doing what we fear anyway, despite what COULD happen, that takes bravery and strength.  Even if we cower on the inside while we're doing it, taking the action makes us brave.  It makes us conquerors.

Is it possible that doing the things we fear can come back to bite us?  Yes.  Can they make us hurt?  Yes.  But it's also possible to climb over the fear, to do what we thought would be impossible, and to look back and say "You had no power over me."

And a Night with Keith Harkin too??

This is going to be one of those blogs where my adjectives don't NEARLY do justice to what I mean.

When my LA-based friend and I decided to meet somewhere to see a Celtic Thunder concert this year, we settled on Dallas as the weekend show that worked the best with our schedules and would be the easiest money-wise.  Plane tickets are no longer cheap, my dears.  It was several weeks after we bought our tickets and planned our trip that we discovered Keith would be giving a solo show in downtown Dallas, following the CT show.  Score for us.  Tickets were quickly purchased.

Keith Harkin is good, guys.  I don't mean "oh yeah, that guy... he's pretty good."  No... I mean he's GOOD.  His guitar-playing is phenomenal.  His singing is gorgeous.  And he's a skilled songwriter.  HE. IS. GOOD.  The fact that he's pretty is just icing... and honestly, I think he looks kinda funny when he sings, so his pretty doesn't even matter.  He's just good.  Amazing amazingly good.

I can't remember now what all he played... my children have absconded with the notebook that had my show notes in it, so I'm working off of nothing but fading memories here.  All Day Long, Chasing Dreams(?), Lauren and I... someone requested Landslide, which he played, and it was gorgeous.  I really love that song a LOT LOT LOT, so I was delighted.  Lots of songs he's done from Celtic Thunder.  He dedicated Where Do You Go To My Lovely to Sharon, which teared me up.

He had three guitars there, all tuned the way he wanted them...  two of them (I think) got screwed up somehow, so he was left with just the one.  He seemed to be flying just a bit by the seat of his pants with that, but...  really, if he hadn't said so, I'm not sure I would have known.

Did I mention he's good?  He wouldn't even have to sing, I could watch him play for hours.

If you ever have the chance to see Keith Harkin in concert, DO IT.  I don't care if you hate Celtic Thunder.  I don't care if you think kilts are for sissies.  You can make fun of me all you want for my love of country music and Irish boybands (unless your name is Eric Anderson, and then you do not have said permission), but you will want to see Keith Harkin.  It's even worth sitting through the cougar screams.

I'm telling you.  Go.

My Thoughts on CT: Christmas

I once read an article, geared toward musicians, that said superfans could be an incredible asset-- they will fervently support you, promote you, fight for you, show up at any event you ask them to attend, buy every overpriced piece of merchandise you provide for sale-- but that they are also the fans that expect the most from you.  I can see how that's true.

I had the opportunity this past weekend to see Celtic Thunder's Christmas show in Texas. I'd never been to one of their Christmas shows before-- partly because they usually aren't scheduled for the West Coast due to difficult logistics, but also because I really haven't cared to. Out of all the products Celtic Thunder has released, the Christmas DVD is my least favorite by far. This is perhaps slightly unfair as I think my dislike centers around my reactions to just two songs.

The first time I heard anything from the Christmas album was when the guys were on QVC hawking the CD's release (I know... "living the dream, Danny!"). They sang "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." Musically, it was fine. But... I love these guys. I may joke around about them and tease about them being an Irish boyband. But, in truth, I like them a lot, I respect their talent, and I want to see them shine. So when the delivery of said song was just about the cheesiest thing I'd ever seen, I was ticked. Really really angry. Even now, I'm not entirely sure why. The strength of my own reaction surprised me and caught me off-guard. But, the feeling never really faded.

The second song that contributed to my "Christmas" bias was "Baby, It's Cold Outside." Again, musically, there isn't anything wrong with it.  Sung by Ryan and Charley Bird (who I like quite a lot), the duet is flirty and sometimes-smouldering-- basically what we've come to expect out of Ryan. But, when it is staged, it's sung by Ryan and mimed by whatever girl from the band is playing his love interest. I've been an involved fan for a long time, and I'm well aware of the sometimes-quiet, sometimes-not suspicions of lip-syncing that have followed Celtic Thunder since their debut. And, to be honest, I wasn't too happy that we now had a song that fanned the flame of those suspicions. To top it off, Ryan was my favorite-- so for the song that made me so irritated to be one of his solos just made me grumpy.

So there you have the basis for my "Christmas show" prejudice. Unreasonable to let a mere two songs turn me off from an entire production? Well, that's probably true.  If you said that Celtic Thunder was performing a  Christmas show in your area and asked if I thought you should go, I would have exuberantly (and honestly) told you, "YES!!"  And the show I saw would have been the one you enjoyed (more or less... they've changed the setlist this year more often than I change underwear).

The show was split into two acts-- the Christmas section pre-intermission and then a funky mix of songs from their Heritage and soon-to-be-released Voyage CDs.

So the Christmas section--
WHAT I LIKED:
Christmas 1915-- I have always loved this song. I was listening to their "original version" the other day and was reminded of what a beautiful vocal arrangement it was. This was the first time I'd heard it done since Paul and Damian were replaced with Emmet and Neil. It was just as beautiful and haunting.  Gorgeous.

Last Christmas and All I Want for Christmas is You-- Both Keith solos, and I really liked both of them. I feel like Keith somehow seemed to take on more of an engaged role this year.  He seems more connected, more on fire, more invested.  He's really grown a lot and shines with a new energy that is so encouraging. He's become VERY fun to watch perform.

I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day-- I have probably said this before, but George is just the bomb. I love to watch him on fun, energetic songs like this.  He is so engaging on stage, and it makes me grin from ear to ear. He makes me happy!

Let It Snow-- This used to be Ryan's song, now performed by Emmet.  Oh, I'll be honest, I really would have rather had Ryan sing this than "Baby, It's Cold Outside."  I like his understated-sexy style on it.  But, I also really like Emmet and am very happy with his addition to the cast.  His version was different from what I was accustomed to, but he did a really great job with it.  He's adorableness personified.

WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE SO MUCH:
Most Wonderful Time-- Ok, I will say that it was less cheesy than when I saw it on QVC before, I'll give them that.  But still cheesy, and I don't like it when my classy boys are cheesy.

Baby, It's Cold Outside-- Still makes me grumpy. I'm sorry, Ryan, I tried. I know you're singing-- it just makes me grumpy and annoyed. Even those flirty smiles can't overcome it.

When You Wish Upon a Star-- I love Neil.  I think he is so sweet-- but this song always seems to go on FOREVER. We launch into another verse and I always thinks, "How many verses can this song possibly HAVE???"

Heritage/Voyage Section
WHAT I LIKED:
Dulaman-- I love this song more every time I hear it. It's edge-of-my-seat "This is the Celtic Thunder that first stole my heart" awesomeness. Quick rhythms and enunciations, tight harmonies, Heartland-style determinedly intense and serious facial expressions (I adore you, George.  It tickles me the way you can't let yourself look at anyone during the song lest you crack a smile.) I honestly can't wait to have a recording of this one.

7... 5 Drunken Nights-- This gets longer and funnier as the tour goes on. Very funny and well-executed, the interplay gets more involved every time I see it, and it's definitely a highlight of the night.  Love it.

Friends in Low Places (lol in which I try to make up for hating Baby It's Cold Outside)-- I liked this the first time I saw it.  But it grows on me more and more each time. Ryan's really fun and fantastic with it.  Actually, I think I like it because he's just a bit less the "grr, I'm so sexy I'm going to bite your face off" guy and just more an awesome entertainer.  For this show, I was sitting near the rock he starts out leaning against... The view was good.  I have not historically been the biggest fan of the whole black T-shirt ensemble, I tend to like Ryan better when he's all classed-up.  But... whatever you're doing at the gym, Mr Kelly, you just keep right on doing that.  *thumbs up*

Noreen- This song is one I've come to really like. I didn't necessarily expect it to become one of my favorites, but I think it has. It's very sweet and poignant, and plays to Neil's strengths really well.

WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE SO MUCH:
Honestly?  Nothing. All the songs sung in this half were ones I liked.  The only complaint I could make was that there were a few songs I was expecting to hear, based on past reports, that had been cut that night.  My Irish Molly and Ride On, in particular.  But, I'll live.

Despite my Christmas grumpiness, it was a great show and I was happy I made the trip.  :)

I want to count.

"I just want to do something that counts."

It was a sentiment I heard often when I was a teenager in high school, when the most important thing we ever did was study for today's history test.  Then, it was something I heard when I was in my 20s, and we were all caught up in the quest to fall in love and change the world.  Then, it was something I heard when I was in my 30s and we were all just a bit lost in mothering and wife-ing, and we forgot who we were.  And it won't surprise me much if it's a sentiment I hear from around me as I enter into my 40s...  those many, many, many, many years down the road. *cough*

We want to matter.  We desire to count.  We don't want to get to the end of our lives, or even the end of each phase of our life, just to find out that we just spent the last 10, 20, 50 years not-mattering.

But, I think that somewhere along the way, we get a funny idea of what that means.  We start to buy into the idea that only the big things matter, that the only way to matter is to be the best at whatever you're good at.  The most successful writer, the best actor, the most successful singing career.  The Teacher of the Year, the cover of Forbes magazine, the one that everyone around says "I want to be like her."

We miss something when we go there.

It's an oft-told story of the man throwing back the starfish.  There he is, on a beach full of hundreds and hundreds of starfish, and he walks along the beach throwing them back into the ocean, one by one. Another man comes along and says, "Why are you throwing the starfish back into the ocean?  The tide is coming in and there's no way you'll be able to save them all.  You can't possibly make that much of a difference."  The first man bends down and picks up another starfish.  He looks at it thoughtfully and then throws it into the ocean.  "It made a difference to that one."

Our culture tells us that being the biggest and best is the way to achieve success, the way to matter, the way to count.

My heart tells me that starting small, and touching who I can with what I have matters more... whether that's the harrowed mom at Target, or the little old lady who needs help putting her groceries in her car, or the young husband looking befuddled at the 12 different kinds of flour and which one he's supposed to bring to his wife.

Every one of those counts.  When you live a life where you look to count in the small ways, I think you'll end up counting more than you ever could have if you had only gone for the big ones.

So when your heart cries out that it just wants to do something that counts, look around you and find a starfish.

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Photo Credit: Cielo de la Paz

Barn For Lease

"BARN FOR LEASE"

In the practically-middle-of-nowhere, halfway between Duvall and Carnation, WA (6500 and 1700 population, respectively), there is a Chevron station.  Sharing the parking lot of said Chevron station, there sits a large red barn with this sign atop its roof.

Not THE barn.

I want it.

The barn.

I want the barn.

I don't know why.

I have no need for a barn.

My largest livestock is a beagle who prefers sleeping under the covers of my bed.

I think, "That would be a cute place for an antique store... or a restaurant... or a hick dance club."

I'm sure it's a completely viable location for a thriving business, sitting there in the middle of nowhere. *cough*

But I want it.

A tug-o-war of thoughts

Something I've been thinking on with absolutely no conclusions...   Today is not a 'complete thought' sort of day, but you can come along while I think.

Sometimes I feel pulled between two seemingly-conflicting mindsets:

1.  "It's not the people that stand by your side when you're at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you're at your worse that are your true friends."

2.  "Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth... The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special, too."

I believe both of these.  I believe in the kind of love where you stand by your friends and loved ones, even when they're stupid and kinda don't deserve it.  I want to be that kind of friend, and I have friends who are that person to me.  When you have that kind of people in your life, you want to be that kind of people, too.  Though I often fall short of who I want to be and the kind of friend I want to be, I keep trying.

But... I find the flipside, too, to be something to be believed in.  There comes a point in your relationships where you have to take an honest look and accept that the people you love don't also love you.  When you get there, you have to take the hard step and leave it behind.  It hurts to do that.  For so long, you live in a place of "things could be different if only..."  But, you can't live in if-only's, and there is always a place where you have to have more respect for yourself than you've been giving. You have to be able to get to a place where you can assert, "I'm worth more than this" and act on it.

The tug-o-war between these two ties me in knots sometimes.  I suppose the biggest question mark is just knowing when "standing by in love" becomes "being a doormat."  I want the former. I don't want the latter.  But sometimes my desires to be a good friend and my beliefs in respecting yourself just leave me feeling conflicted and confused.

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Photo Credit: Bev Sykes

2-Minute Freewrite: Used

It's a hard thing to feel used.  That moment when you take honest stock of the situation and realize you've been stupid and gullible?  Not a happy one.  Mostly, I think you just feel embarrassed at first.  In retrospect, it seems so clear...

For awhile, the natural response, after the embarrassment fades, is one of anger.  How could they do that to you?  How dare they treat you that way, have so little respect for you and your thoughts and your feelings, so little care for what you were?  You stay there for awhile...  There is a bit of satisfaction and vindication in the anger and the revenge and the retaliation, even if those things never get past the imagination stage.

But, there comes a point where you have to stop allowing yourself to play the part of the victim... because it's not quite honest.  Eventually, the goal will become healing and growth and wisdom learned and moving on.  When that's your goal, the anger cannot be where you stay, and you have to get up and look in the mirror.  You have to take a good hard look at, not just the situation, but yourself.  And you have to admit that you had a choice.  Were things done to you?  Yes... and they weren't right.  But, somewhere along the way, you had a choice and you chose to devalue yourself enough that using you was a possibility.

You have to own that choice.

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Photo Credit: Petr Mika

An Open Letter to Starbucks

Dear Starbucks,

Last year, you sent me an email in which you detailed an upcoming delivery service that you were going to be testing in several select metropolitan areas. Given that you are based in my general area, I surmised that you would be testing in the locality I live in.

This pleased me.

This pleased me greatly.

This pleased me greatly until I realized that the date of said email was April 1st, and the proposed service test was nothing but a tease.

A cruel heartless tease.

This did not please me greatly.

I humbly propose you reconsider the teasing nature of this idea and transform it into a "we're going to deliver lattes to your house hourly" idea.

This would please me greatly-er.

Coffee. Makes. Everything. Better.

Let it be so.

Sincerely,
Me

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Photo Credit: Piutus

10 Day "You" Challenge - 1 Picture of yourself

I almost forgot about this.  I was waiting for a sunny morning to take advantage of the shiny light, but alas, I think I'll be waiting till spring for that.  So, to finish up the meme...

One photo.

I'm not as slender as I'd like to be.  But I'm not as overweight as I've been before.  Sometimes it seems like I am forever on a journey to create the physical me that I envision being.  I have a goal in my head of what lies at the end of the road, but I think that it's important to be able to find beauty in the "now," too.  Have a plan, have a direction... but find joy where you are.  And so I try to be able to look in the mirror now... and even though I'm not yet to where I want to be, I try to look at the girl in the mirror and believe that she's beautiful, just as she is.

That doesn't just go for the physical, either.  Wherever we are, can we find joy in the now?  Along the road of becoming who we all want to be... whether that's physical, whether that's creating the inner qualities we want to exhibit, whether that's attaining a position in our careers or raising our children to be happily-functioning adults, whatever it is...  find joy in who you are right now.  Find beauty and delight and satisfaction in the person you are in this very moment because I want you to know something very important.

Who you are is beautiful.  What you are inside is beautiful.  Those that tell you differently have their own problems that have nothing to do with you...  You gotta figure that maybe they're having trouble seeing their own beauty, too, and taking that out on you.

Believe you're beautiful.  Please.  Inside, outside, and every spot in between.

When you believe it, you'll be it.

Christmas Memories 4 and Future Plans

It started with the year my sister Carey couldn't come home for Christmas.  She lives in Alaska, and airfare isn't exactly cheap.  So, instead of shelling out big bucks for Christmastime prices where the whole visit would be rushed, she and her husband opted to come down the following summer instead, but stay for longer.

We had Christmas as a family as normal, minus Carey and PK.  But, my mom just can't enjoy Christmas if all her chickens aren't home.  Truth be told, it wasn't the same without them for me, either.  So, when the summer rolled around and our Alaskan family returned to us, we had Christmas again.

In July.

Complete with presents, Santa stockings, Christmas cookies and carols.  And squirt guns.





And the strangeness of our Christmas holidays has continued on...

Last year was minimal.  Mom made us all wear jingle necklaces and bracelets... which wasn't too bizarre.  Except for the men who complained about having to wear jewelry.

This year... Mom has decided we need to have THEMED Christmases.  We're starting with Hawaii.  When I was home last weekend, I helped her hang blowfish balls from the kitchen chandelier.  I'm not making this up.  Instead of jingle necklaces, we're all being lei'd.  She's got grass... things for the boys to wear.  I can't wait to see what she comes up with to get them to wear THESE.

Mom and I brainstormed lots of ideas for future Christmas themes...  Oregon Ducks, Victorian, Southern Rebel, European.

Personally, I'm looking forward to the Star Wars year.

Christmas Memories 3

It was my first Christmas after getting married, and I was in the kitchen at my grandma's house.  I was there with all the women in our family for our then-traditional cookie-baking party.  My sisters were elsewhere, but I was settled in with my mom and my aunt...  I suppose it was my first time being part of the group as a "grown-up."

And... as women do, the conversation eventually turned to sex.  (So... if your kids are reading over your shoulder, you may want to get them to stop that.  And if my children are reading, go clean your room.)

I wasn't terribly experienced in this area going into marriage, so...  when they asked how things were going, I had a question to ask.

"Things are going fine... but...  there's one thing I can't quite figure out," I began.  "Is there some trick to the wet spot? Am I just stuck with it forever?"

Gales of laughter floated out of the kitchen, as I recall.

There was much talking, much laughter, much helpful advice...  but I've forgotten most of that by now. 

A week or so later, I had mostly forgotten that we'd had this conversation.  On Christmas morning, we all congregated again in the living room of Grandma's house.  Actually, as I write this, I realize that my grandma had been gone for several years by this point, and my dad and my other aunt were living there.  But... it will always be Grandma's house to me.

We were sitting around opening presents and I got to a small box from my aunt.  I opened it, and it was a little velvet box... the kind you'd get a ring in from the jewelry store.  I cracked it, and was a little puzzled by what was inside.

I looked quizzically at my aunt and asked, "What... is this FOR?"

She replied, "Do you remember our conversation from the other day?"

Comprehension dawned and I just about fell over laughing.  My mom raised her eyebrow at me, and I turned the box so she could see it.  She laughed too.

What was inside?

A wine cork.

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Photo Credit: Jenn Durfey

Christmas Memories 2

Sometimes traditions change a bit.

When we lived in California, we couldn't help much with getting Mom's house ready for Christmas.  Instead, that began to fall to my youngest sister.  She, along with her boyfriend, would help my mom pick out the Christmas tree at the lot, get it home and set up and mostly decorated.  Then, when we got to town, we'd go over and I'd put my decorations on my tree.

As we've all gotten older and have begun to develop Christmas traditions with our own families, that has changed a little.  One of my sisters lives in Alaska, and has her own inlaws to balance, so we've begun to have our big family Christmas during the week following Christmas.  The "picking of the tree" has become the Christmas Eve tradition of my mom, sister, and almost brother-in-law.

In fact, I remember the first year of this tradition.

We were sitting around, eating cinnamon rolls and brownsugarheaven bacon on our "Christmas morning," and I asked if Mom had had any trouble getting a good tree, since they had gone out so late in the season.

"Wellll," she answered slowly.  "Not.. exactly."

I raised an eyebrow.  "Not exactly?"

"Well.. Well... Well.  We went... and there were trees there.  And we picked one out... but.  There wasn't anyone to pay, so we just left."

"With the tree?"

"Um... yes."

"Did you... leave money?"

"Well, I didn't want anyone to steal it!" she protested.

"I see.  So... what you're telling me is... you stole your Christmas tree.  Where did you go to get your tree?" I asked further.

"The Boy Scouts?"

"That's even better.  You stole your Christmas tree... from the Boy Scouts. Way to spread that Christmas spirit there."

"I would have paid if there was someone there!!!"

Mmmhmm.

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Photo Credit: Steven Depolo