Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Spill It Out

I posted on my Twitter the other day, just after getting home from my grandpa's, that death and loss make me sit and realize just how much I worry about is stupid.  And that's true... and it's always true.  At least, for me. Being faced with the very idea of death... I suppose it makes me stop and think about how short our lives really are, and makes me examine what I'm filling mine with.

I feel like I'm standing in an empty field... with a giant white blanket at my feet.  I've just spilled everything in my life onto the blanket and separated it all so I can see it.  Every person. Every thought. Every worry. Every obsession. Every joy. Every hobby. Every pet peeve.

To the side, I have spread another blanket... smaller. And empty.

I reach down to the big blanket and pluck things off.  People I am in loving relationship with. People I can affect positively. Joys. Things and activities which fill my life with meaning and heart. The thoughts that build up and rejoice.  All of these, I put on the little blanket by my feet. All the things that are important enough to keep.  I arrange them tenderly on the little blanket, tie it up with a pretty knot, and place it next to my heart.

And now I stand and look down at what is left on the big blanket...  everything I worry about needlessly, the thoughts that tear me down.  The people where we just rub each other wrong. The silly fears.  The past I can't change, but that doesn't have to determine my future. The feelings that crowd out the good. All of this...  all of this is so unnecessary. So many things I've filled my life with that are wrong.

I reach down to this blanket, and tie this one up as well.  No need for pretty knots, though.  Not for this one.  I pick up the bundle and walk to the edge of the grass...  and dump it in the trash.  No more.

I've been here before... and the truth is that I will probably find a way to fill myself up with some of those things again.  Not all of them... but some of them will find their way back. But today, I claim a fresh start. Today, I turn my face to the sun with a smile and a light heart.

Today, I live as we are meant to live. For these are short lives we are given, and it is a pity to waste them in pain, guilt, worry, and sorrow. I choose joy. And I choose love. And I choose life.

4 comments:

  1. Aw no! It's a good thing... I feel very whole. Make those smiley hugs! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. "So many things I've filled my life with that are wrong."

    Absolutely not wrong!! Rather, so many things you filled your life with that were important lessons in helping you realize what does and doesn't matter to you.

    Wisdom doesn't just spring up inside your head suddenly. It comes from living life, from taking risks and going down paths that take you where you didn't want to go, from learning and growing. That's a blanket of wisdom-making, young lady. You don't have to look on it with remorse and regret. Look on it with gratitude for what it gave you. You did the best you knew to do then. Now you know better so you do better.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This post immediately brought to mind this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xz8yiMmsWtQ

    All their videos are wonderful. This one deals with life-trash.

    ReplyDelete

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