I've been in bed this morning, trying to convince myself to get up... and as I steadily convinced myself that I really didn't need to do that just yet, my mind has been lazily skimming over its thoughts. Today, I've found myself thinking about things I didn't say. Things I wish I had.
I often act impulsively and say things I shouldn't... but when I'm thinking with my head, I think I sometimes take fewer risks than I should, too. I put more stock in not rocking the boat than I do in saying what could be said. The hindsight truth is that I could have stood to rock the boat a little more...
Long ago, I had this friend and I really liked her. She was fun and funny and sweet, and the friendship was nice. Time marched on, circumstances changed, and her personality started changing. Not just with me, but with everyone, and they weren't really good changes. I did mention it... but she fired back with anger and irritation over me mentioning it, indignant that everything was the same. So, I quickly put the subject in the "Things We Do Not Mention" box. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to lose a friendship over it if she was that sensitive about it. So I put it away. My opinions didn't change... I just didn't mention them so our boat wouldn't be rocked.
Months later, I regretted putting it in the box. I wasn't wrong, those changes continued, I still didn't say anything about them, but the relationship couldn't survive. I didn't rock the boat, but I still lost. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd taken the risk and rocked it. Would a friend saying out of concern "You have got to stop" have made any difference? I don't really know, and no one can. But I wouldn't have risked anything that I didn't eventually lose anyway... and I, and the rest of us who loved her, could have kept something precious.