Looking forward...

This is always the time of year when I reflect on the year I've just lived through... but also the time when I plan for the one about to unfold.

Some years, this takes the form of writing resolutions.  Some years, it's goals.  A couple years, it's been to adopt a theme for the year that I've tried to live within.  So today, I've been thinking things over and mulling over which avenue was the right one for me this year... which one seemed the most likely for me to stick to... which one appealed to my soul the most.

The answer?  None of them.

I think this year is going to be one of new experiences, and perhaps that is a sort of theme.  But I have no grand brilliant tag line to attach to it.

I am nowhere near thinking that I am perfect.  There are lots of things within my character and actions that I think would make me a better person, were they to change.  But I don't think that changing those things is going to be my focus this year, though I may find they see that change throughout the course of the year anyway.

Maybe this is just the effect of me knowing that I will turn 35 this year, and while I know I'm not yet on death's door...  35 sounds so much older than 25 did, and I'm not entirely sure what I have to show for it all.  But I want this year to be one where I do all...  Well, okay, maybe not all... but I want this year to be one where I do SOME of those things that I've always said "I'd really like to do that" but have never gotten around to doing.

Oh yes, there will be lists.

What's next?

I went out to breakfast with my dad and my sister this morning.  Also, my adorable baby nephew, but he didn't eat much waffles.  Dad was asking me about everything going on with me, and I mentioned that I had quit CT, which led to a mini-discussion on "what's next?"  He knew it was something I had devoted a significant amount of my daily time to, and that not doing it anymore would leave me a lot of time to fill, and he's right.

Truthfully, I thought I'd be further along in the discovery of "what's next?" by now.  That I would start this blog, write a couple entries, and "what's next?" would be magically answered, setting me off on a new tangent, full of goals and promise and optimism.  That hasn't quite happened.

Not that it's been bad... on the contrary, mostly I've just been busy with day-to-day things... homework, Thanksgiving, lots of travelling, football, the preparations for Christmas, the preparations for a new puppy.  (Did I tell you I'm getting a puppy?  Cause I'm getting a puppy.  Actually, I'm getting the cutest puppy on the PLANET.)

I had a couple long car drives to make today, and I spent a lot of it in thought.  Not so much about that, but about the past year.  Friends made, friends kept.  Relationships set aside.  The coals of old friendships blown back into a warm flame.  Plans carried out, plans postponed, plans thrown out the window.  Experiences had and savored.  Character grown.  Some good things, some bad things, some hard things, some rewards, some payments.  But all things that contributed, throughout the year, to who I am right this very second.

As I drove, it was snowing.  Not enough to even stick to the ground, but enough to make me think of what the world looks like after a fresh snow.  Pristine.  Untouched.  It looks brand new and clean and unblemished.  I always feel like this is what the new year is like.  Full of promise and beauty.  A new year of experiences just waiting to be had.

I suppose that is probably more true than I've even thought of before.  I've always just stopped at the idea of it being new and beautiful and untouched.  But underneath the snow, even though you can't see it, the land is still there, the good and bad of it.  The bench you just finished refinishing, but also the leaves you forgot to rake.  The weeds you never got around to pulling, but also the grapevine that lies dormant for the winter, just waiting for the spring thaw.

The new year is like this, as well.  The days are yet unwritten, but not untouched by what came before.  You still will have to deal with the aftereffects of the choices you made yesterday, last week, last month, last season.  Even so, there's just something about the beauty of the freshly fallen snow, and indeed the unblemished new year, that fills me with an optimism and a desire to meet whatever the new year has with a bright smile and a spirit of hope.

Maybe, for this moment, that's all that's needed for "what's next."

A Note from Santa

Dear McKenzie, Casey, and Alicia,


Merry Christmas, girls!  Have you had a good holiday so far?  


Thank you for all the cookies and the carrots for Rudolph.  They were very good!  I especially liked the butterscotch chips.  I don't get those at EVERY house, you know.  Rudolph asked me to say Thanks for the vegetables, but wondered if maybe he could get some carrot cupcakes next year.  He loves to lick off the frosting!


Your mom and dad have told me that you've been very good girls this year.  


McKenzie, I've heard about how much you care about the people that are homeless, and I think that's very special.  I hope you will always have compassion for people who don't have as much stuff as you do.  That's a very unique quality to have.  


Casey, I've seen how much you've been helping your mom around the house lately and I know that she really appreciates all your hard work.  It shows a lot of responsibility and maturity that you've been helping so much, without even being asked.


Alicia, my secret penguin spies tell me that you've been a big help to your parents this year, too!  I'm really proud of you for being such a hard worker and always getting your homework done first thing when you get home from school.  It's pretty special the way you always give your mom a hug when she's having a hard day.  That shows that you have a very caring heart, and I like to see that in everyone.


Seeing as you've been so helpful and compassionate this year, I had my elves search high and low for the perfect gifts for you.  I hope you like what's in your packages and your stockings.  But, that didn't seem to be quite enough, and I really wanted to bring you the perfect gift.


First, I thought that you might like this... but Mrs Claus told me it would melt too quickly.


Then, I thought that maybe this would be fantastic!  But the elves in my legal department said that it might be illegal in your state.


Then, I was sure I found the perfect gift!!  But your mom informed me that she would never make cookies for me again if I did.  So I put it back really fast!

Finally, I think I've settled on just what you'd like.  I know you asked for money for a dog, but I'm afraid that I just can't give out money.  It goes against the Santa Claus Code of Honor.  Unfortunately, the gift I finally picked out won't be ready for delivery until the middle of January, so you'll have to wait until then for it to arrive.  But, I hope that the wait for the present for you girls will be worth it.  Look for it here at this website.


You'll find some things that you might find useful for it in a basket on the washing machine.


Merry Christmas to you!  Be good for your parents this year!


And don't forget Rudolph's carrot cupcakes!


Love 
Santa


P.S.  Alicia, I'm glad you still believe in me.  I still believe in you, too!

What I Want(ed) for Christmas

Sometimes as I go through life, I look around the world... I look at the people around me, and all I can see is what I WANT.

I want Drew's smile.
I want Sharon's imperviousness to criticism.
I want Amy's ability to collect friends.
I want Natalie's faith.
I want Lisa's patience.
I want Ryan's kindness.
I want Stacey's eloquence.
I want the body of nearly every Hollywood socialite gracing the checkstand magazines.
I want to write like That One Girl I Read But Whose Name I Don't Know.
I want Lucy's bravery.
I want John's popularity.
I want Dawn's strength.
I want Rachel's lack-of-caring-what-people-think-of-her.
I want a better natural dictionary in my head so I don't have to make up really long hyphenated words to describe what I'm thinking.
I want to sing like my sister.

I want, I want, I want.

I'm not sure that there is always negativity associated with seeing qualities in other people that you want to emulate.  I think seeing those things can push us to grow better character within ourselves.

But as I was watching The Voyage of the Dawn Treader last night...  I heard Aslan say to Lucy...  indeed, to me...  "You undervalue yourself."  Actually... that wasn't the exact quote... I KNEW I should have texted it to myself so I wouldn't forget.  But that was the gist.  And it made me realize that when I look at the people around me... and as I deeply long to be like Whoever...  I undervalue who I was meant to be.  As I strive to be the people I admire, I stop being the person THEY admire, and the person I was meant to be.

8 MUSICIANS I Love

1.  Celtic Thunder.  Alright, you knew this was coming.  I ran across Celtic Thunder on PBS in 2008, and there was just something about the power behind the song they were singing (Heartland) that completely arrested me.  A visit to their website later, where I was introduced to their then-small fan community and to the genuinely nice guys that they are, I was... shall we say, hooked.  They've just wrapped up their 2010 tour and won't be on tour here in the States again until next fall... but they have a Christmas DVD out right now, and another Irish-themed one due out in February.



2.  Brad Paisley.  OH HOW I LOVE THEE!!!!  I first started getting into country music in 2005.  We'd moved here to Washington, my CD player was broken, and I was at the mercy of whatever music station I could pick up on my car antenna.  There is a stretch of I-5, between here and my mom's house in Oregon, where the only English-speaking station I could pick up was country... and I began listening to it.  I quickly fell in love with the heart and story-telling of country music, and it didn't take me long to become completely enamored with Brad.  I. LOVE. HIM.  I think he's funny, talented, humble.  I love to watch him play guitar, I love his songs, and I think his lyrics are often tremendously clever.  (Did I mention I adore him?)



3.  Lenka.  I'm not entirely sure how we stumbled onto Lenka at our house.  I think it was from another artist that Joel likes, and you know how you sort of "video-hop" on YouTube.  McKenzie is the one who first got really turned onto Lenka, so we listened to her a bit in the car, at M's request. The more I listened to her, the more I began to like her.  Simple themes, but ones that seem to really touch me.  At first listen, she's very bubbly, but there is meaning underneath that bubbly that goes deep for me.



4.  Ryan Kelly.  Yes, I know... as a member of Celtic Thunder, he could probably have been lumped in with #1 up there, but he's recently released his debut solo album.  AND he's my favorite.  So he gets his own entry!  :)  A longtime fan of what little he's released in the past, the depth of his songwriting is no surprise to me, but I've been delighted to watch others become aware of it.  The songs on "In Time" run the gamut from tender longing to bare heartache to harder-edged bitterness.  He does have one song on YouTube, but it isn't my favorite, so I'm going to link you to his CD as well, where you can listen to samples of all his songs...  In Too Deep, Perfect Man, Go If You Want To, and Secret Bit of Right from Wrong are my favorites!!




5.  Sugarland.  Another of my longtime country music favorites!  There's always been something about this country duo that I've really liked.  I think they're infectious and fun...  and their songs can make me alternately laugh with delight at the fun of it all and cry in response to the pain that comes through some of their songs.  The girl, Jennifer Nettles.. I just think she's impossibly cute, and I find something in her voice to be very unique.
Their most recent single... Alicia and I can't stop dancing to it!:



6.  Demi Lovato.  Yes.  The Disney Channel actress. I'm not ashamed!  LOL  Ok, if I didn't have pre-teen girls, I might not even know her name.  But I do.  And I have preteen girls who like a lot of Disney channel shows... and we listen to a lot of Disney channel stars' music.  Demi Lovato's show is not necessarily my favorite of the ones my girls watch, but I find that I like her singing voice the best.  Less sugarsweet pop, a little more of a rocky edge to it.  And yes.  I like her!



7.  Glee.  I tried to answer this without admitting to totally enjoying the music I've downloaded from Glee.  But as I paged through my Zune playlist, organized by playcount, I had to admit that I listen to it a lot.  I actually haven't really watched this season much at all, but I do love the music!  It's just plain fun.  And somedays, that's all I really need.



8.  Ingrid Michaelson.  I ran across Ingrid a few summers ago when Joel and I were trying to decide what to do for our anniversary.  We ended up doing something else, but I really began to like this artist a lot.  Something about that ukelele, maybe?  :)  I just really like all of her CDs...  Do check her out!

8 BOOKS I Love

Not necessarily in order....

1.  Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are? by Dr Seuss.  Yes, Dr Seuss.  I loved this book as a child, apparently making my mom read it so often that she had the entire thing memorized.  In turn, I read this one over and over to my children as well, though admittedly this is probably more because I wanted to read it over and over than because THEY wanted me to.  Even now as I sit here typing, I can recite from memory:
"Oh the jobs people work at... out west, near Hawtch-Hawtch?  There's a Hawtch-Hawtcher bee-watcher-- his job is to watch...
Is to keep both his eyes on the lazy town bee- A bee that is watched will work harder, you see.
Well, he watched and he watched, but in spite of his watch, that bee didn't work ANY harder.  Not mawtch.
So then somebody said 'Our old bee-watchin' man just isn't bee-watchin' as hard as he can.
HE ought to be watched by ANOTHER Hawch-Hawtcher.  The thing that we need is a bee-watcher-watcher!
WELL
The bee-watcher-watcher watched the bee-watcher.  HE didn't watch well so another Hawtch-Hawtcher had to come in as a watch-watcher-watcher.
and today ALL the Hawtchers who live in Hawtch-Hawtch are watching on watch-watcher-watchering-watch, watch-watching the watcher who's watching that bee.
YOU're not a Hawtch-Watcher!  You're lucky, you see!"

Read it aloud.  I swear, it's fun.  But, always in the end, I think that it helped me to develop an attitude that, even when things seem bad, they could be worse.  And there can be great happiness in knowing that things aren't REALLY as bad as they seem.

2.  The Dark Tower, by Stephen King.  Oh, how I love this series, spanning seven novels fully dedicated to the story.  I used to read more Stephen King when I was high-school age, but I found that it just got too scary and I don't read much of his horror genre anymore.  I'm just too big of a wimp.  But The Dark Tower is different.  I'm not saying this is Nicholas Sparks happy-happy pukefest (my apologies if he's your favorite author... please seek help).  The story of Roland and his band of gunslingers, part Western, part fantasy, part brilliant, thrills me to my toes.  It's epic, it's heartbreaking.  I fall in love with each of these characters, even the ones I don't actually LIKE... I can't help but love.  A fictional world that somehow mirrors our own, King does an amazing job of capturing the essence of people, of the fight between good and evil.

3.  The Clan of the Cave Bear, by Jean Auel.  I just find this series to be really interesting.  It's written to be in "caveman" time, sort of on the brink of grand amounts of technical innovation, all amusingly (to me) discovered by our protaganist, Ayla.  Auel does a LOT of research before/during writing each book, and I honestly do find it terribly intrigueing to see how she puts that into her story.  A word of warning... once you get to the second book, I swear they're having sex every other minute.  There are times when you kinda want to say "Don't you want to take up a 2nd hobby or something?"  Apparently there's natural Viagra in sabertooth tiger meat.

4.  The Chronicles of Narnia, CS Lewis.  I read and loved this series when I was a child, but was only aware of the surface story.  It wasn't until my college years, when I read it again for a literature class, that I began to understand all the subtext and the parallels with Christian scripture.  Reading this series fills with me childlike delight, while at the same time thrilling my soul with a deeper understanding of the meanings and obstacles in the Christian faith.  By this time, my children are used to seeing me dissolve into a weeping mess every time I read any of these books.

5.  Dragonlance, Tracy Hickman and Margaret Weis.  This is the first fantasy series I ever read... I can remember cuddling up with these books in middle school and just laughing my head off.  Just normal fantasy stuff... dragons, wizards, elves, dwarves, warriors.  But there was something about the characters that I just loved...  they made me laugh!  Fizban and Tasslehoff always made me giggle.  Don't bother reading any of the books not written by the original authors, they kinda suck.  But the originals are great!

6.  Lord of the Rings, Tolkien.  In some ways, I love this series for the same reasons I love Narnia.  I also love this series for the same reasons I love The Dark Tower.  It encompasses them both...  beautiful allegory, excitement, epic story.  Maybe it's the challenge of being part of something that is bigger than yourself.  Maybe it's the message that small people can do great things.  Maybe it's just that I have a mad mad crush on Aragorn.  Maybe it's the idea that every person has a great adventure to live.  But I truly believe this is a tale that is not to be missed.  You should read it!

7.  Anne of Green Gables, LM Montgomery.  My most and best loved books from childhood... I still remember the first book of this that I ever read.  I think it belonged to my great-grandmother...  hardback.  Falling apart.  i can still feel the texture of the light green cover under my fingertips.  There is nothing about Anne I don't like.  I love her heart and her earnest nature.  I love her propensity to forget what she's about.  I love the bright look she brings to every situation, her ability to look with hope on each and every mistake she makes.  I love her determination, her drive, her love.  25 years after reading this book for the 1st time, I still want to BE her.  It is different reading Anne now... as well as seeing the story from Anne's point of view, I very much identify with Marilla, and find myself tearing up at the little ways that Anne worms her way into Marilla's heart.

8.  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams.  I've actually not read this in years, but I need to pick it up again.  This is, hands-down, one of the funniest series I've ever read.  As memory serves, I could barely go a page without cracking up laughing.  I remember reading it while on a roadtrip with Joel once... and he'd keep asking me what was so funny.  But it was so hard to explain when the REASON something was funny was because of something else written 50 pages earlier or whatnot.

Adventures with Daddy.

Apparently the story goes like this...

Casey wanted to make a cup of hot apple cider.  So she filled a cup with water and put it in the microwave to heat.  After turning it on, it caught on fire.  She ran upstairs, yelling "DAD DAD DAD!  THE MICROWAVE IS ON FIRE!!!!!"

He jumped downstairs, opened it up, blew out the remaining sparks... and then explained carefully to ALLLL the children that we don't put METAL CUPS in the microwave as they will self-combust.

"Oh."  Casey said.  "I thought that was plastic."

Get Your Mitts Off My Boat!

I've been reflecting a lot recently on the nature of change and how we react to it.  There are a number of different situations in my life... some that I'm closely connected to, others that I'm simply aware of and watching in spectator-fashion... that involve change.  It's been very interesting to observe how people react when changes happen.  Overwhelmingly, there seems to be an initial response of panic.

Most of us, sometime in our lives, have been in a small boat on the water...  a canoe, a raft, a rowboat.  There is always that initial physical reaction when the boat gets rocked.  Maybe another boat has bumped into yours, maybe someone in your boat has suddenly stood or leaned out to grab a passing stick, maybe you've found yourself being attacked by the Loch Ness Monster (ok, maybe that was just me).  But without even thinking about it, your entire body tenses, your arms jump out to hold on to the side, and you automatically lean to whichever side will stop the loss of equilibrium.  Your mind hasn't had time yet to catch up with what is happening and needs to be done. But your body immediately knows "Something is different and it needs to stop NOW."

I find it is the same with change.  It doesn't even matter if the change is self-directed or if it's something inflicted on you by outside influence.  Until your mind sorts it all out, there is panic and confusion.  Nothing is what your mind expected it to be.  We order ourselves based on routines, based on the expectations of certain things staying the same.  When those things change, sometimes the only thought we have is "Things are not right" and I think it scares us.

We like to think that we are in control.  We know that there are millions of things out there that we have no say in.  We don't get to dictate them, and so we order our lives and our responses to those things in such a way that we feel like we are in charge.  Change breaks that sense of control and reminds us that we really don't get to call all the shots.

But, there comes a moment, when you're in that boat, that your mind catches up to your physical panic.  It takes in all the information, analyzes it, and you relax when you realize that the rocking was for the good.  Maybe it brought you closer to shore, maybe it brought you alongside a friend's boat for laughter and camaraderie, or maybe it was simply to avoid an oncoming collision.  Despite your trepidation, things are better now than they were before and you can once again order your world and feel like you are in charge.

Some days are meant for unwrapping...

The official First Day of Winter is still a few weeks away... but for all intents and purposes, Winter is here.  We've already had a first snow...  the nights are cold, the mornings chilly, and some days, the afternoons don't get much better.  One thing I love about winter are those days where it's FREEZING COLD outside, but the sun is shining bright.  Even though it's chilly, there is something that just thrills your soul when the sun is out and the sky is clear.  It makes you want to jump and dance and tell everyone around you that you're happy to be alive.

Today is not one of those days.

Today, I walked out of the house to take the girls to school and I could barely see the car, there was so much fog on the ground.  Grey mist hugged the roads.  Objects that are mere feet away seem to just blend into the mist.  But even while everything is shrouded in darkness, I feel light.  Instead of foggy gloom, I'm wondering what treasures are lying underneath the mist, that the wonders of this day are merely waiting for the right time to appear.  As the sun slowly burns off the morning mist, little by little, the world is revealed.

The idea of peeling back layers of something to reveal the beauty inside has often been compared to an onion.  I get that, it makes sense to me.  But at the same time, really?  An onion?  THAT is the payoff to doing the peeling?  I prefer to think of it like a multi-layered Christmas present.  Have you ever had one of those?  You get a big box and unwrap it.  Inside, you find a slightly smaller box, and you unwrap it, only to find a box that's just a bit smaller than THAT.  And you keep unwrapping and unwrapping until you finally get down to whatever the real gift is.  I like that analogy better...  I'd like a Christmas gift.  I'm not sure I'm all that excited about an onion.

A day like today is a pre-Christmas gift...  waiting to be unwrapped.  So go ahead... pull off the first bow and let me know what you find inside.